“granny duty”

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation.  For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.  ~Albert Einstein

My grandmother moved here almost 5 years ago.  This is a woman i barely knew.  I knew she did not like me as much as she liked my brother.  She told me so once.  She was a hard woman and never took the time to get to know me.  But to be fair i did not take the time to get to know her.  She was a woman that smoked heavily, she had such a thick southern accent i did not understand her.  She was always more concerned about appearances that i was.  She had a hat for every occasion.  She talked about this Derby as if i cared.  We just did not understand each other. We came from two different worlds.  I was a “damn Yankee” to her and she was a “southern belle” to me.

When my grandmother fell one night, breaking her pelvis and shoulder. she was put in the hospital, she lost a lot of strength.  This was not seen by me, only my mother saw this.  My mom would travel back to KY to support her.  The time came where my mom could no longer travel back and forth.  They said she was going home to die.

My parents moved her into what i think to be a perfect place.  My parents house.  It is on the ocean, you can sit in her room and see the harbor. Beach is a walk away. The sea breezes, the sound of the fog horn from the lighthouse on foggy nights.  Heaven on earth. or so i thought.

For a month of non stop care, my mom provided, my parents needed a weekend away.  And guess who gets that duty, yup you guessed it “granny duty”!! I DID.  My mom would leave me a list of numbers, in case she died.  It was coming or so they said.

But WAIT ONE FUCKING MINUTE. This woman does not like me. She has flat out said it. i dont understand her and she does not understand me.   Why would you leave me alone with her adn three small kids?  SIGH….my parents do so much for me i must do this.  So i would check on her constantly. Make sure she is breathing, hell i even poked her once to make sure she was still alive.

Well, surprisingly, granny and i sat.  we would talk, more like i would sit and try and count how many times she said, “I” “me” “my” cause that’s all she could talk about.  she had to depend on me, so she had to listen to me and watch me with the kids.  Watch that i was not a bad person because i was a Yankee.  My kids were well behaved. I disciplined with a sharp tongue not a fist.  I was patient with the kids. I was patient with her. I was kind.  I listened. I would even ask her questions.  We even talked about my divorce (just for the record, that was tough).

Those days i learned a lot, not only about my grandmother who wore all those hats! but i learned more about me.  Where my family roots came from. How I could not imagine a better place to be, and she thought it was not perfect.  She would ask me all the time, what we ate.  Puzzled by this, we eat.  She said, in KY there are rolling hills of farm land and here there was nothing but water!

Granny’s oldest sister died the day after thanksgiving.  She was 97 years old.  Granny is the baby in the family, she is 91.  This death is taking it toll on her.  She went south to the funeral with my mom and her sister.  Granny fell. 3 times.  Granny is in pain. she has crushed her back.

Granny went into the funeral home a little over a week ago.  The pain meds make her crazy.  Like she is not in this world. It is crazy.  But you do not want her in pain but at the same time you want granny to be with us.  I think it is tough.  My mom struggled with her going to a nursing home.  She was ready to have 24/7 care at home.  But as i said to my mom, thats not fair to granny.

the past two nights i have sat with granny.  She has moments of clarity. but then she doesnt.  its hard to watch.   When she says, she does not want to live like this…it is very hard.    its hard to listen to her talk about her “mama” being sick adn going to the doctors. or then she would ask me who the man was downstairs  like a little kids hiding behind me, nervous. but then she would ask me if i was going sailing tomorrow.  or how long my school vacation was. She did tell me about the best dance partner she had once in Italy…. How she was gliding across the floor and when it was over, he kissed her hand.

I know it is the medicine. I know she is old. I know she may not bounce back. She may not have the fight in her to do so.  But I am willing to sit with her. Hold her hand and listen to what is going on in her mind. Even if it does not make sense.  I will sit and be her voice when she needs something.  Make her some homemade food if that is what she will eat.

I am a better person for taking that time to get to know her. I think she is a better person for getting to know me.  Tomorrow i will bring my knitting and sit again and listen.

Teaching my boys and leading by example

“Giving frees us from the familiar territory of our own needs by opening our mind to the unexplained worlds occupied by the needs of others.”  Barbara Bush

So today the boys and i had our walk through the shelter.  You know i had no idea what to expect.  This woman knew i had children and they were coming with me.  In the car there was a little prep on my part.  You know i never can walk away from a teaching moment….

We pulled up to the center, mind you this center is run down, it is kinda sad actually.  We pull up and I talk with the boys about what and why we were there.  We were there to help others.  I was trying to explain to them that no matter what they are people too.  Raymond innocently asked, “will they be wearing rags?”  my heart sank a little, i had a bit more work to do before walking into the center.

I explained the best i could, no they were just like us.  They had clothes, they looked like us, had feelings like we did and so on…. The boys were not so sure of all this, except for Jordan.  He was excited!!  He was ready and he understood.  I did try to explain to them how important it was to volunteer.  If i had not volunteered, i might not have Jordan or the twins for that matter.  Everything happens for a reason…

We got our tour, walked around, meet a few people.  I actually have to admit felt a bit uncomfortable walking in with three kids.  I had second thoughts, what was i doing? Were they looking at me, like why am i here and why did i bring these kids…i sucked it up and walked with my head held high, i greeted everyone with a warm smile and looked them in the eye and said hello.  Then the calendar came out…when could we come?

Sure enough, tonight was empty, they needed help! You know what, this is why we are here! To help!  I looked at the boys and asked, they all very cheerfully said YES!!  admittely surprised! but it warmed my heart.  we had an hour to kill before we were to report for duty….

Nathaniel went off with my dad and Raymond and Jordan stayed with me.  Off we went, it was a small small kitchen.  I was nervous, but tell me what you want to do and consider it done!  The cook, went over the serve this, do this, plates and then he said, you will be fine.   WHAT YOU ARE LEAVING ME ALONE?????  he said you will be fine, give them this or that…they will tell you what they want….then i think he saw the panic in my eye, he said to me, dont worry, i will be outside basically greeting people…you need something you call me, in the thickest westerly accent i have ever heard!  PHEW

The two boys and i served about 30 people tonight, lasagna, turkey and carrots.  It was nice, people were very appreciative of us being there.  i quickly got over the feeling of being judged as i could not imagine having to come to a soup kitchen for food.  I did not want them to feel as though i was judging them…. I felt lucky and was happy they welcomed us.

Raymond and Jordan were so excited to walk out of there tonight, they were high fiving people, talking with them.  I think the staff came down to see the kids, to tell me how cute they were.  They wanted to know when they could go back to help again!!  Warm heart….

I look forward to helping out more often!!  This is the gift I give my kids this xmas….the gift of putting you words into action….my hope is someday they to will understand the joy of helping others.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James

Go the extra mile.  It’s never crowded.  ~Author Unknown

So as a camp director, i see a lot of kids come and go.  I have watched kids grow up to through the program, watching them grow as kids, to teenagers and some become instructors, to have real jobs and so on.  You just never know what they really take away from camp or me for that matter.  Am i making a difference?  i always wonder….

Some parents/relatives see you in the summer, for those few minutes and feel connected to you.  I mean they read about me on my profile online, they hear your stories at camp, like they know you.  Perhaps it is something i said during some talk i have with the parents that they connect with.  These parents come back and feel as though you will remember them as they remember you.  YOu have made an impact in their childs life.  Some parents i remember, some kids i remember, but most times they come and they go.

This spring i had a young girl come and take the power boating class with me.  Her Aunt remembered me.  She likes me and was so pleased to see me.  I did remember this camper, her mother was very ill while she was at camp.  We said our goodbyes and the aunt was so excited that they would be seeing in the summer.  Summer came.  Life happens so fast in the summer, the amount of kids, the amount of phone calls, the amount of staff, and then my own life has to happen…..i get a phone call, well several from this aunt.  My little camper was sick.  She was struggling with life and could she come another week for camp? Well the aunt and i played phone tag for a while and i finally just gave her my cell phone number, broke my number one rule!  but i am glad i did.  The aunt called to tell me my young camper was not well, her mother was very ill and she was having trouble dealing with the changes in her life. She woudl nto be able to come to camp for a couple of weeks.  My first response to this aunt was, no worries.  We will take care of it and she can come when she is able.  Knowing full well the two weeks she was suggesting were sold out.  I woudl take care of it.  I mean this place was her anchor as her aunt told me.  This was what she was looking forward to!

She did come the second to last week of camp.  She hid behind her hair, nervous not knowing anyone there except us.  Quickly she broke away, hair back and she was laughing and enjoying the week with us.  It was such a joy to see her aunt and uncle come and pick her up.  Her aunt hugged me that day, and she cried thanking me……She was the last camper to leave that day.  we all were happy to see such a smile on her face.  Knowing camp was my mini escape from my life, this was hers.

I have sent a few snail mail, i have kept in touch with her aunt here and there…but as life gets busy you are constantly putting out fires it seems.  Yesterday, as i was surfing facebook, i see a status she leaves…..”i will be back i promise” curious as to what that meant, i wanted to respond back quickly…..but before i did i decieded to email her aunt to see how she was doing.  I sent a quick email, you know saying hello, life was busy at work, trying to keep up with kids, weddings, funerals, work, and so on. but my camper was not far from my thoughts, so close some days that her snail mail address was the first on my roledex….always wondering how she was doing….that i had seen the facebook status and wondered how things were.  telling her that i was asking for her.

I got a phone call today from the aunt, thanking me for my email.  She continues to tell me how my camper was doing.  she was put back in a state run hospital but working hard to get back.  She was so appreciative of my email and thanked me for the concern.  There is a part of me that sees a bit of my self in this camper.  Hiding behind her hair, she is just like the rest of us.  It takes nothing for me to reach out my hand to tell her and her family it is going to get better. and it will.  you just never know.

To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.

the gift of giving

okay pulling myself back together… picking up my pieces….so many things that effect us in this world…it is finding out how to deal with them all.  Slowly realizing you just cant do this all alone.  even though i would like to think i can.  I am strong like bull but i guess every bull needs help.

now dont get me wrong, i know my last post was pretty down, i recovered…i bounced back, i actually am pretty happy with life overall. i feel great, i have lost 35lbs, i exersice on a regular basis, i laugh harder than i have in years, i go out with friends, it was  just last week was a bit of a struggle. me finding those balances.  so what am i going to do to change this unbalanceness….

*sigh*

one of those imbalances for example:

shopping with my mom and brother the other night, just drives the point that i really need to be the one who teaches my boys the gift of giving.  and i do not believe i can do this without help

Now, with the holiday season coming i really feel my boys need to learn what it is like to give back.  i just do not have it in me to foster again.  Not right now, but i will someday, i promise.  I love being a foster parent and if i could do that full time i would.  i do believe i need to wait until the boys are older.  But we can do something…so i started looking around, do i have them work in a food pantry? do i have them work in a homeless shelter? how about a soup kitchen?

thats it, a soup kitchen at a homeless shelter!  Tomorrow afternoon the four of us will get a tour of the facility, see the dorm like room and the kitchen where we will be volunteering.  I think it is so important to volunteer.  I have volunteered so many places and it has been so long.  I really feel as though my boys are old enough to get into this.  I have volunteered, at a domestic violence center for years, then at a homeless shelter for women, and then of course foster care.  it feels so good to give back.  I want them to learn it is good to give back as well.

So we shall see how this goes tomorrow, i am excited.  I am excited for my boys to learn about the world they live in first hand.

will keep you posted.

some days are just like that…hoping tomorrow is better

***SIGH***

ever have one of those days or a couple of days?  I am not sure where it started….but you know it doesnt matter as today is where i fell down….

• i slept through my alarm
• my dryer is broken so we did the sniff test on jordans pants today to see what he could wear
• my mom called this morning to tell me she rearranged her schedule so that nathaniel could come to her house tonight to practice his words becaue she obviously feels i cant do it..
• got to work, knowing what is to come, and struggling with it
• time cards time cards time cards
• waited for an email that said that was pointing me in the direction of proofing…an email came, i did not read it as i thought i knew it was coming…well no proofing, it was just an email telling it was coming! FFS
• started to cry. overwhelmed…and when someone asks what is the matter, you burst out crying
• my brother bought an xmas tree…I HATE THE HOLIDAYS
• now i have to decorate it, clean up after it, water it…it is just one more thing to take care of…FFS
• i did not want a tree this year…really arent we getting to old for this…cant we do something else?
• cried on the phone to a friend…a friend who had kind words.. a friend i have never met…
• wanted another friend to call but he cant…ugh
• went and grabbed some lunch with a friend…deep breathes i cried again
• pull myself together…not completely but enough to get some work done
• my mother calls in a panic….nathaniel is crying hysterically he has been bullied, punched in the stomach and his hair pulled on the bus….what was i going to do about it?
• OMG call principal….we chat about this and she will talk with the offending party….and she tells me nathaniel was bullied at lunch today as well.
• I talk to nathaniel again, i cry he cries…i feel like a failure….my baby what am i not teaching him, how can i help?
• where is my help? who can i cry home to? no one…i have a fucking tree in my house and i dont have any money to buy any presents to put under it….
• i hear ya saying take a day off…well i cannot cause i will have to worry about if the kids get picked up or i am the only parent in this house.  how is this done? I dont get it? feeling awful right now…

***SIGH***

doors walls bridges

doors, walls, bridges.

We all have them.  sometimes we have so many walls up we are unable to see the beauty of the world around us.  sometimes we build so many bridges to many people are coming to invade your space. then the doors you have, some are open some are closed…some you open and want to close quickly.

finding that balance.

Food Friday: Raw “cheese” cake

So I have been eating so many different foods lately…. I know it has done me a world of good, i have the blood work to show for it and I am happily missing 27lbs because of it!!  I have tried a couple of desserts and this one is by far the best!! YUMMY!!  I even brought it to work and had a sampling !  It is a raw vegan dessert but trust me it is good!!  It takes time to make but well worth the effort!!

I would post a picture but it gets eaten so fast!!!  Next time I promise!

CRUST

• 2 Cups raw nuts (almonds, pecans, walnuts or macadamia nuts)
• ½ Cup Dates (soaked and pitted)
• Coconut

CHEESE

• 3 Cups Soaked Cashews (Soak a least an hour, but longer if possible)
• ¾ Cup Lemon Juice with pulp (or lime for more tartness)
  ¾ Cup Raw Agave Nectar (Honey can be used as a substitute)
  ¾ Cup Raw Coconut Oil (lightly melted- emerge container in hot water or place in dehydrator a few minutes)
  ¼” piece of vanilla bean (use only the scraped out seeds) (extract can work as a substitution if it is pure and doesn’t contain alcohol.)
• Water as needed

TO MAKE-
Sprinkle coconut on the bottom of a 8″ spring form pan (to avoid the crust sticking). Use a food processor to process nuts and dates to form a crust. Gently press the crust into the pan and smooth with a plastic scraper.

Next, blend (in a high powered blender) all the “cheese” ingredients until smooth & creamy. Pour “cheese” evenly over crust and place in freezer until frozen If you have bubbles gently tap pan on the counter.  Add a little agave or some dates if not sweet enough.   Defrost in refrigerator an hour before serving. Garnish with fresh fruit.

**I would bet you could throw some fresh fruit in the “cheese” to make a fruity cake.  Trust me people will not believe this is truly good for you!!  ENJOY!

NO MORE LONELY. Take your friend depression and go!

Dear Lonely

It seems as if you have touched yet another two victims, my friends.  Lonely…. you and your friend depression, well you two go hand in hand sometimes and well….you hurt!  I do not know if it is more lonely or depression that your icy hand comes into ones soul and rips out hope.  This icy grip has grabbed another soul to tightly i am afraid.   I know we have had good times and bad.  For what ever reason your grip has not been so tight on me.  I appreciate that.

Sure I still do not like the feeling of going to bed at night .  I still have to leave the tv on because sometimes i am scared to be alone. Lonely hurts and then depressions comes in for the kill. Or how about waking in the middle of the night and no one is there to protect me from the monsters under the bed…lonely hurts…… Sure I go home and have three over joyed children to see me and tell me about their day, but have no adult to listen to my day or even care that my day may have sucked.  I do know , Lonely you are your friend depression, are waiting for me for the holidays.  This year will be different, because i have found a new friend, Hope and her friend Motivation.

You have taken so much from me that I have come to believe there are no good guys out there that would accept me as i am, a mother with control issues, a little bit of OCD and the need to be loved.  The longer your icy grip has held, i am not sure if it is that i have just become numb to the feeling or i am accepting it.  Please let me thaw out….i do not want to be this way…..please please release your grip.

Release your grip not only on me but leave my friends out of it.  Please let my friends go, she wants to get up and have a better life.  I think depression has come in for the kill.  She does not want to do any of the fun things in life, hell, she does not even want to go to the gym….and that was her happy place.  Let her go!  I have other friends, and i have to believe, Hope and Motivation will be with them soon.

Some things you cannot take away though.  and those are my friends.  Yes, I have friends now, everyone is in a different place in life, some are married, some are single, some are divorced, some are dating.  Not one of them can relate to my lonely, but each of them can understand a little of what it is like.  I think you have found your way into some of their hearts…but i am here to tell you NO MORE LONELY.  Take your friend depression and go!  I am done with you.  So to quote Dr. Seuss:

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
~ Dr. Seuss

Be gone, Hope and Motivation are here to stay!!

Lovingly,

Working Hard over here with out you!

No strolling for love here

Dear Pepe Le Pew,

I do believe you belong in Paris, strolling the streets searching for love but somehow I see that you have taken a liken to my breezeway.  I have seen you on TV and I understand you do not take “no” for an answer.  I know you are just searching for “love”.  Well let me tell you that my cat, Lily,  is not your type.  She is a sweet little kitty and has no interest in a skunk!  She is to young to be hanging out with an older wiser skunk as your self!

So if you would please take your smelly butt and find another breezeway to stroll looking for love.  You know the cops are on to you!  He was here tonight and threatened to get a gun and shoot you!!  So run now or i will be forced to call them back and trap you.  Now i do not wish that on anyone!

Please find love somewhere else friend!

Sweet Lily’s mom

A picture of Pepe La Pew just so you can if he comes to your breezeway!!

School, food, Life

A week and half of school is done!  PHEW how many more do we have to go?  Dont get me wrong my kids love school.  I feel like i have been behind the eight ball lately…trying to play catch up from the summer, then feeling unmotivated to get anything done, like upload pictures from my camera and such!  OMG  since the middle of July there were well over 300 pictures that needed attention!!  It looks like through the pictures it was a great summer! Oh my!

Well it was back to school night, and we all know how much i like those things….okay I really do not like them.  I know i know it is all in my head.  I know i am insecure about the fact i am flying solo on this parenting thing, but i feel like there is a huge spot light on my back as i sit in the front of the gym.  SHE’S THE SINGLE PARENT OF THE CRAZY EXHUSBAND.

Well i do not know any of these parents other to say hello.  Not like any are my friends.  Close to the end of the talk from teh principal i started counting my fingers as i got nervous sitting there.  I looked around and even the gay guys sitting in front of me had each other.  AGGHHHH!!  Deep breath it is over…and really it is about Jordan and no one else.  He is a smart kid he just needs to apply himself!

On to other things, today while eating lunch with a great friend, I reconized someone from my married days.  She was the mother of my exhusbands best man.  She was an amazing woman.  She was always so kind to me.  Even after the divorce she called.  She asked what happened, and i must have felt comfortable enough to tell her.  She even lives in the same town i do.  but as time has gone on, and chester made me feel crazy and isolated, i lost touch.  Well today, I saw her, and all i could think of was my dad, my dad telling me that if you see someone you know, you must go up and say hello.  UGH, i struggled with it, but i did, i went up and said hello.  She did not recognize me at first, but i had my name tag on from work.  and once she realized who i was, (with great fear i was going to be rejected) she hugged me!  It was awesome, but i was still oh so nervous.  I did the right thing.  We chatted for a bit, I was so happy to see her.  She was very warm and welcoming.  Verying good to see her, and i hope to be in touch with her again.  I am so glad i said hello.  I worried so much in those few minutes.  I mean it has been over 1 1/5 years since i have seen chester, what if he had been filling her with lies.  But he had not, she asked about him and if we saw him.  She was sad to hear he was no longer allowed to talk with us or see us, but she also understood it was for the best for the boys.  I have to always remind myself that i did nothing wrong and the divorce was not my fault.  Thank heavens for my dad, his voice reminded me to do the right thing.

So i have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Well Carrie wanted to try the blueberry bliss one, so i made her the blueberry bliss, i made a peach and basil for myself and a sampler for Amanda!!  YUMMY!! I like this eating more fresh fruits and veggies!! Still only have lost 24 lbs!  UGHHHH

Lastly, we had a sushi night at my house with the STS gang.  It was great fun. It is nice to make and eat food together! Even the kids got into it a little.  Jordan eating salmon!! YUMMY!!