I am only human

Alright Alright, I started to pack away my party favors from my “pity party”…. You know sometimes it just takes a friend to stop by your office to say “hey what’s going on?” Thank you RR. RR stopped by yesterday and i was feeling better but then…

I reached my breaking point last night when i came home. Kids running around, the house destroyed, papers everywhere. Just not the most welcoming place to walk into. So i walk in, kids blow past me in the door way asking if they can go outside….”sure just go outside stay in the backyard so i can see you while i am making dinner”

While picking up the kitchen, i can hear the kids playing, some fighting but honestly how much should i be intervening, they need to work it out, i will not always be there. As long as they are not hurting each other right? Then tears start flowing, both twins are crying, one saying he was hurt another saying he is being picked on and the oldest, Jordan being the instigator in all of this. I try to smooth things over, with no luck. Raymond is still crying. I ask everyone to come into the house if they are just going to be outside screaming at each other….now no one is happy…Raymond proceeds to cry for 20 minutes…and not just crying but full blown temper tantrum…kicking throwing himself on the floor the chair it SUCKED….

A friend calls, asked what was going on and why. and just said “I am sorry” but she had to go…then i called my mom just to complain someone to listen to my complain about how much life was sucking….Alls i wanted to do was make dinner have a quite night and go to bed…So I called JB, he could hear the screaming in the background. I could tell he was driving, i gave him the short, “holy Shit this kid has been screaming for 20 min now and i was calling to complain about it” I then told him, no worries, on the brink of tears, call me when you get home later….

the screaming continued, he cried so much i think he was falling asleep on the floor. I finally said to him that he should just go to his room and cry it out. He did. My nerves shot, i finished dinner. and to my surprise, JB walked through my door!! I just started to cry. OMG with the lack of sleep and my children reverting to being 2 year olds again…it was so nice to have some back up….

I have been having a hard time lately with the stress of having to raise these three boys to be mature polite people. All the while, working to provide for them and finding some time to do something that I like to keep some sanity….I have found i have become so bitter towards life as if i have been dealt a raw deal…I am not the one with the raw deal…I am allowed to watch my boys grow…..But I realize i am having issues with trust and asking for help. I really do not know how to ask for help anymore or believe people really care….

So there you have it. I am human. I have fears.  I have flaws.  And I cry. I might have a few more tears but this will pass i know it will. Thanks for all your kind words…

I am struggling

Okay on the outside life looks great, I have a cool job, I have great kids, I get to play on boats and so on but today and the past couple of days I am just not feeling it. I am struggling. thats all I got today.

Raymond got glasses!!

YEAH!

Well like a champ! We went and picked up his glasses and he looks great…more importantly he can see. Oops! he really could not see! hehehe… Someone said his glasses looked just like mine! awww! He does look handsome!!! take a look!

Regaining my sanity

Ahhhh….Ambien! my best friend! I am going to sleep tonight…I am hoping for sweet innocent dreams…..i am hoping for a better day…

Nathaniel and Raymond sleeping in my bed, age 2

Welcome to my world

So last night I went to class so that meant my parents took the kids. My dad had a meeting so he was out, my mom was on her own. I made sure the kids had their homework done, backpacks packed and I even packed their clothes for the next day. Alls they needed was to be watered, feed and put to bed. not to hard right. My mom had to go to work early this morning and that left my dad home alone with three boys. Now the boys had their clothes laid out and alls he had to do was to feed them and they dress themselves.

I got up a bit late this morning, no big deal no kids. I was able to lay in bed without kids twirling my hair hard yanking it so I would get up. I showered by myself, that meant no children running around fighting or crying. No one laying on the bathroom floor wanting my attention while i was in the shower. Three boys were not in my bed when i got out of the shower wrestling around, wrecking the covers. Ahhh it was so quiet. Time ticked away. I was ready to go but where was my dad?

Finally my dad arrived at my house to bring the boys to the bus stop. He was frazzled. He said the kids were running around, the puppy was excited to have them around. He tried getting dressed with all the commotion. And then trying to get them feed was another story. He had a normal morning that I would have…

I had a devilish grin and before i could say it my dad said, “Welcome to Hallie’s world, right?”. We both chuckled. My dad brought the kids to the bus stop. Finally I thought, my dad gets it. It is not as easy as it looks most days.

But I must admit my day just does not seem right without all the chaos…

pet peeves

so i am working on a list of pet peeves… here goes…

1. the one arm hugs…hate them…it is like you are giving half hearted or that you really do not want to be giving a hug. give a real hug or dont bother..

2. taking only one piece of gum…i have issues people…if there is an odd number it bothers me.

3. flicking a cigarette butt out and not throwing it away. just gross.

4. not knowing who has right a way in the intersection in town…drives me crazy..everyone stops when they have right away…get a clue people! it is the pedal on the right!

5. nagging…OMG i get it. the floors need to be redone! Got it! Not much i can do she is a hundred plus year old ship..believe me when i say we are working on it!

6. when answering a business phone the person does not say their name!! they should say, ie. Good morning, (insert company) this is (insert name) how may i help you….

7. judging me when i need help sleeping with a little help from my vitamin A…. i dont judge you on your bad habits. maybe me not sleeping is a way i am reaching out…I AM STRESSED help me! dont make me feel worse.

8. name droppers…i get it, it is not what you know but who you know. but at least try to get what you need without saying you know the president…he barely know me..

9. untied shoes…i cannot stand that. tie the shoes or get velcro.

10. calling me “Hal” thats not my name, only my mom can call me that….

i am sure there are more. I am just a bit grumpy, so much is going on. I am having a hard time keeping my head above water, work, kids, friends, family. I am to stubborn to ask for help, honestly i would not know who to ask or what kind of help i need right now. i wish i could sleep. feeling kinda lonely and insecure. most days i feel great! but when i stop sleeping i start to falter.

“will he send presents instead”

Okay so the time has come….

while waiting for the bus this morning, I ask the boys what they would like to do for the weekend, you know make some plans, do we go to the movies? do we go for hike? do we go to a museum? What would the boys like? They all say going to the movies would be great!! Okay I said.

then Jordan asked…What about Daddy? is he coming this weekend? I said No honey not this weekend…. He then went on to ask why?I told him we could talk about it tonight. not very satisfied with that answer he went off to school.

Not like i did not know what was coming, but i really wished i did not have to explain any of this to my kids. So far in the past six years when i threw my ex husband out, i really have worked hard on protecting them from all the negativity of divorce. The visits were always supervised by me, and when he did come i tried to make it as “normal” as possible. We never yelled, never would i say a bad word about their father to their face or in ear shot without using some sort of code name or words. My boys never have had that spilt between two parents and never feel like they have to take any sides. They are happy, loving, confident, smart kids…(i am so proud of them, i think i am doing pretty good today )

Anyway….

It has been over a month since he has been here. Kids have asked and i have been vague. They have accepted it. Now it was time for me to step up to the plate and fess up. What was i going to say? i have stressed about this, talked about this with several professionals, some good advice some and some really dump advice…

Well, i expressed to the boys that i loved them very much and a mom’s job is to protect her children. I reassured them i was not going anywhere and they were safe. That i was sure daddy loved them, (this killed me….)Then i told them sometimes even adults make mistakes. That daddy made a mistake and daddy had to go to court. The judge told mommy and daddy that daddy was no longer allowed to come see us or call us.

Silence. the OH SHIT NOW WHAT….looking around for a safety net….

I asked, “questions”.

Then Jordan said, “So daddy’s not coming to my birthday, so will he send presents instead?”

All i could think was, THAT’S IT? WHAT YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT PRESENTS?

So do my kids understand their daddy cannot see them any more? Yes.

Do they understand why? Cause the judge said so. I will have to give more details someday (lets face it that is not a day i will look forward too) but today that was enough.

I have to say, today they do not seem to really care that much. and here i was worried about total melt down and so on….phew….

As i have said before, there are books on how to get pregnant, what to do when you are pregnant, baby years, toddler years (personally the easiest years) and then the books stop…..there are no manuals to these little creatures. They are so cool too. I just hope i don’t mess it up.

you know I do not wish this on anyone. I hope someday they will understand what has happened and why. I hope they know how much i love them.  what lengths i will go to protect them and provide a safe environment for them. i hope they will think of me as a cool mom and not as dumb as i look.   i just hope i can make it through the teenage years!!!!!

Mommy, when I am older, I will wear contacts

Okay so Raymond has been tested at school and has FAILED the eye test! OMG….well the kid did not show signs of not seeing so i really did not think much of it. It is not like we watch a lot of TV, (they are not allowed to watch tv except on Fri nights and Sat nights, so sitting to close to the tv is not a real issue as he is not in front of it.)

The the nurse called again and said he should be checked by the eye doctor. HMMMM…now she was sending little notes home and NOW i had to do something about it….okay okay…really how bad could it be? not like he is complaining about it…

So it took weeks to get the appt. but we got in…she checked his eyes…Raymond, my child who cannot answer questions with a one word answer but MUST give a small disertation on when he is going to say yes or no…so the process was a little painful when she was asking, “can you see more clearing in the first one or the second one?” OMG I thought she was going to lose it! She did not, but in the end she said, Yup he is going to need glasses!

Raymond was cool about it, almost like he knew this was coming. So he was so excited to go pick out frames. Oh he tried on all these little frames….he picked out this black wired frames…put them on and exclaimed, “THESE ARE THE ONES!” Well he was right they look great! So in a week we will go pick up the new pair of glasses and will have to post some new pictures!!

My babies are growing up! First headgear and now glasses!!

As we walked out, he said, very matter of fact like, “Mommy, when I am older, I WILL wear contacts”

Priceless

Picture this….

two cars parked next to each other in CVS parking lot

A woman in one car in the drivers seat….

A child in the back seat of the other car parked next to it….

Mother and child playing air guitar and air drums to the tune of their own music….

Priceless….

Jordan was waiting in my moms car while she ran inside to CVS. I was waiting in my car….he struck a cord on his air guitar so I played along. It was nice to let go and not care what others thought, alls that matter was what Jordan thinks of his cool mom!!!

I Won! I am Free! We are free!

Today the Family relations said, “today we have saved three children” I could not agree more! I will never be able to thank her enough.

I went back to the hallway. I WAS NERVOUS. The nerves were worse when HE showed up! YUP! OMFG! Talk about stress. underneath my supermom outfit i am not as tough as i look. shhhh. dont tell!

The hallway was crowded. But i was in a bubble. I could not hear anyone, or feel the people brush up against me. The children crying, the people arguing over what they want. Today all i could see was the wheeling and the dealing of the lawyers. And the light at the end of the tunnel!

You had my lawyer, a no sugar coating, get what she wants type of lawyer. You had the GAL, the lawyer for the kids. Alls he had to do was review the findings, make a desions on what was best for the children. Then there was HIS lawyer. Nice enough lady. She had been coned by a con artist.

sometimes you would see two together, one would disappear. THen back again. My lawyer standing her ground. She wanted NOTHING LESS. She wanted to end this! Two hours of this….two hours of nervous energy. Two hours of me asking my brother who came with me, what was going on? How nervous i was! What an Ass He was….but The light at the end of the tunnel, it was here! Could it be true?

The order is drafted. I sign it. My lawyer signs it. Waiting to see if he will agree to all the terms….HE DOES! Thank heavens! I could not believe it! I had my lawyer explain everything to me twice, i had to repeat it. Was this true? Could it be? Someone actually listend to what i had said. They believed me! He is the crazy one. He is the one with the problem and I am only protecting my babies! It only took 5 years for someone to listen to me! I had been vindicated!

We stood in front of the judge. He read the order. He reread the order. He asked a few questions. He asked if HE understood what he had signed. He said yes. He asked if he agreed to it, and with an impregnated pause, he finally said YES! What choice did he have? NONE.

I Won! I am Free! We are free!

Now onto the next chapter! Explaining this the my children! Someday I hope they understand.