five fluffs meme

Okay I have been tagged by CuriousC! Yeah, i have so many little random things to chat about it, i would rather do something fun!! so here goes!  I am not going to have pictures as my camera is BROKEN!!!!! I feel so lost without it! I need a new on!!! sniff sniff! but who can afford it when you work for non profit!?

so here goes FIVES:

5 Things Found In Your Bag…. I have the best bag! It is a SailorBag and I got it free when i went to Florida for the US Sailing Symposium!

1. Cool magic carpet clutch wallet!

2. parrell rulers….

3. Benedryl…you know the melt in your mouth strips! oh yeah!!

4. Stop watch and whistle, the coolest loudest one ever! Oh it goes underwater too!! (not really sure why)

5. Sunscreen of course!!

5 Favourite Things In Your Room

1.  My feather bed!! the best thing ever!!

2.  My pillows on my bed! i have a mountain of them!!

3.  My stone turtle that was given to me at a very terrible time in life…

4. My roll top desk, it used to by my dad’s when i was growing up, it is a monster but I love it!

5.  My pink silkish carpet, the one i bought at the Ocean House auction! Love IT!!

5 Things You Have Always Wanted To Do

1. I have always wanted to be a MOM!  Oh wait, I already am!

2.  I have always wanted to sail around the world.

3.  I have always wanted to own my own boat.

4.  I have always wanted to have just one baby, having twins is like being a rock star when they were babies, everyone felt compelled to talk to you or ask you silly questions…

5.  I have always wanted to own a vintage VW Bug

5 Things You Are Currently Into

1.  Being a good mom.

2.  Sailing

3.  Racing sail boats

4.  reading, and finding time to blog

5.  I was into taking pictures until my camera DIED! AGGGHH

5 People You Want To Tag

OMG who to tag!!  Well considered yourself TAGGED.  leave me a message and I will come read yours if you do this!! Thanks!

in a perfect world we would all drive boats

I know i have not been around but the past two weeks have been out of control…! lets recap!

Last Monday…first day of school vacation..all boys were home and i took the twins to sailing practice.

Tuesday…i kids home, jordan had two doctors appt. spilt throughout the day and we went and say the medical helicopter from the hostpital. Drop kids off with my mom and dad.

Wednesday…Work, sleep over on CONRAD.

Thrusday…wake up at work. Work until 200. Race to the high school to meet kids for the meet. Sit on the bus go to a sailing meet. Kids get whipped. ride home with disappointed kids.

Friday…Drive to Newport for Power Boat instructor Class. Stay until 530. and hour ride home. Study. prepare presentation.

Saturday…Back to Newport. this time until 730. Spent day on and off water. Sunburn and windburn. tired. stay up studying for test.

Sunday…Back to Newport. Presentations. On the water drills. Take test. Pass with 96. Yeah! Drive home to get kids. kiss and put into bed.

Monday…work. Practice. home. dinner. bed.

Tuesday…work. take boys to dentist. get GPS installed. get dinner. chuck kids into bed.

Wednesday…take boys and self back to dentist…cleaning for me. filling for raymond and tooth pulled for nathaniel. gross! Race over to high school sit on bus again for another sailing meet. Hate the bus. get “bus sick” sitting in the way back! Get beat again.

Thursday…work. meeting. work. Practice. Practice was tough as we pushed the kids to the edge! One kid, got so frustrated he just wanted to go in. felt bad.

Friday…forgot PFD in BW car. had to drive to noank. got PFD. climbed on the CONRAD. taught a homeschool class (sailing). paper work. Back to watch hill to motor boat to next Meet. Kids did much better. kids went to mom and dads. came home and went to bed.

Saturday…up at 6am to go to sailing seminar on how to be a race committee officer. was a wise ass, asked some tough questions on purpose…bored. but learned a lot.

Sunday…woke up. no food in house. no clean clothes. can no longer see floor in the hallway. last pair of clean underwear. pull self together, sniff test the clothes, get everyone dressed. 830am. hit the road. went out to breakfast. home to clean. grocery shopping and cooked a meal! how nice!

Okay so spending so much time on the water, i have decieded driving boats around and parking them  is much easier than driving a car! so in a perfect world we would all drive boats and have an endless supply of clean underwear.

I feel the light

Well i know this funk has hung on to me like a wet diaper.  I have been hanging off cliffs and while it felt as the world was throwing thier rocks at me.  Work was spinning way out of control, so many people asking for more and more things and just not having enough hours in the days to do it all.  Kinda like that tread mill running full speed before you wake up and you crash off at night. 

well i have to say i have taken two days off with my boys, they are on spring break.  and the rules were no rules and do only what a say.  which was not a lot. no fighting. play. and all will come together. I got to sleep in several mornings!  AWWWW! it was wonderful.  ambien helped.  i was dreaming too.  Some really great dreams at that.  sometimes wish some of them would come true. they are so close but just far enough i cannot get it. hmmmi will have to work on that.

Today i worked with a school group.  it was out of need but i was happy to play.  well i was not happy until i got into the grove of things, I worked with Amy and she was great!  pleasaure to work with!  i could not ask for anything better and you know what it shows.  It was a great night!!  i am sleeping on the conrad tongiht. no big deal i have my “vitiamin A” and i will sleep like a baby!!

With all that said, i must say i felt the light.  I remember why i do this job. i remember why i love to interact with kids.  they like me! shocking i know. but we had fun. i want this to pull me out of my funky monkey stage and i hope it will.  Now what i need to do and help those around me shake it! i know you all can do it!!deep breathes. patience. and a bit of why you do what you do so well.  love it. own it. make it yours again.

I know i still have a few demons to battle.  I will get there.  i am no good to anyone if i have not slain all the monsters in my closet.  So here i go.  Now i will need to find bravery somewhere along the way.  a little of that will help.

Happy Birthday Jordan!

Dear Jordan,

Yesterday was your 10th birthday! WOW! Ten years ago i would never have thought you would be in my life! Ten years ago you were born into this turbulent world, your mother and father “carnies” following the caravel around. You were your mothers tenth child out of 16 children. You only lived with her a year and then you came into my life.

I will never forget the day you came. I tell you the story all the time. I got a phone call in May 1999 from, Star, and she asked if I would take in a foster child who was 13 months. OF COURSE! She told me you were not up for adoption but you would be temporary. That was fine, this is why I was doing foster care, to help out where needed. You came in a blue car. You wore a shirt that was a size 6. You had the worst ear infection I had ever seen. You were malnourished, and so small. You did not crawl or say a word. You had a full head of hair and full set of teeth. You were so dirty but you smiled.

Life went on as usual. You were strong and independent. You loved to dance. You loved when someone would read to you. You loved your dog, Frank. I watched as you were growing and learning. I kissed all your “boo boos”. I smiled at all the pictures you drew. I rocked you every time you had an ear infection. You called me mommy.

I got pregnant with the twins in Jan. and then in Feb. I got the phone call. The phone i dreaded. They were terminating your parents rights and you were going to be up for adoption. I loved you as my own. Now temporary was not so temporary anymore. All of your other siblings were being adopted by family or family friends. There were so many siblings. Your mother had already had one child after you and another on the way. You were mine. I was your mom. And so the fight began.

Your cousins wanted you. They did not know you. They already had two of your siblings. They said I was not family, and I could not care for you like they did. They were wrong! I could! I went to bat. I stood my ground. I shed tears. They told me I was being greedy that i was pregnant with twins, why would i want to have you?

They were wrong. Finally your mothers sister and your mothers father took a stand they agreed you should stay with me. You were happy, healthy and loved. We went through all the paper work. The twins arrived two months early. But in September, we went to the judge and made it official!

You were already my son. But now on paper it was official! You have seen 18 foster children come and go. You have seen your twin brothers come home. You have seen me go through some tough times, and you may not know it yet. You have been a great big brother, even though sometimes you think you would be better off an only child. If only you knew! you are not the oldest biological child in your family and i am not sure how you would ever have made it.

Little buddy, I hope you know how much I love you. How much you mean to me. How much i have done to keep you safe. I am sorry your dad is not here, but someday you will understand it is for the best right now, even if you dad does not understand or is able to admit it. I may not be the best mom in the world but I will do my best!

Happy Birthday! I love you! Now lets see if you can make it to 11 in one piece!

Love,

Mom

set them free

Okay so a friend calls me last night.  nothing out of the ordinary but she says to me i have to talk to you about something, saying she was just at the fish market.

I hesitate, but okay.  She goes on to tell me about the enormous lobsters in the fish tank.  Now i think ummmm, i could go for some lobster…. but she goes on to tell me How big they are and so on.  Yes i know it takes 5 to 7 years for it to gain a pound.  yes i know that the population has been deplete.  So much so that, when people settled in the USA they could walk out and grab them.  There were so many lobsters they would feed them to the slaves.

Well she has a plan, she is going to every week or so and in stead of buying useless stuff,  buy one of those jumbo lobsters and release it back into the wild.  You know so they can make baby lobsters.

I love my friend!  I love the way she thinks sometimes.  Little did she know there is a buddist holiday at the beginning of the new year when they release an animal that was slated for death.

Balancing on the edge of life today

Okay…so here is the scoop…today what a shitty day for the most part, then i went to coach the team…. lets just say i work with some very unprofessional people.  sometimes i wonder if we are back in high school with all the games they play.

i feel as if i am balancing on the edge of life these days. I have my good days and then some bad days. most times i pull myself back into place and move on.  but lately i have been finding it harder and harder to pull back.  so i am hanging on to the ledge and i feel like someone is throwing rocks at me while i am trying to pull myself back together!  what is wrong with me?

i have a friend that has said to me before, that if everyone put their problems on the table to “trade” we would all look at those problems on the table and gladly take our own back.  I am not sure about that right now.  I am ready for a break. i am ready for some help.  i am ready to throw it all in and start again.

i hate the fact that i got to jordans school today to hear him read poetry and my mom, dad and brother got there before me.  that is not the worst part, my mom had to make me feel bad that i was not “on time”. it had not started!! I was on time! she knows just how to push my buttons! i suppose it did not help that i had just left work in a state of anger!  honestly i told them how i felt now they need to deal with the problem!

so i left work this afternoon to go practice with the kids.  Going on the water just makes the world stop. nothing seems to matter except those kids on the water.  they had fun today, so little wind so capsize drills we did! i know it is april and i know it is cold but they have dry suits to protect them from the cold.  i know i hesitated to take this coaching position but you know what it is the ONE thing keeping an ounce of sanity in my world!  i feel appreciated. i feel there is respect. i feel it is fun.

now the question is…why can’t work give a little of that?

rest of my monday!

Well just wanted to let you know, the rest of the day was a blur! I left work to go to practice. It was WINDY! I have known this as it is coming out of the North east, sorta like a nor’easter without the storm. I think the high pressure system will move in the next day or so and the wind will die down. (okay so that is probably more than you ever wanted to know huh?)

So needless to say practice was a challenge for some! It was fun to watch I must tell ya! Boats flipping over! Kids trying to get them back upright! It took all i had not to jump into a boat!!! It was a great day to sail.

Another thing was Becca and I had two launches on the water today. It i have to say today was one of those days, i knew she had my back. So when i was helping a couple of kids, i knew she had her eye on the others and i did not have to worry! it was such a cool feeling as i do not always get them when i am on the water with some instructors. I always feel as if i am looking over my shoulder after them. So overall, it was a good practice! They did well and we have a match on Wednesday! OH BOY, it better not be to windy!! thank heavens for dry suits! We are actually sailing in Newport! Kinda cool!!

I had to come back to work tonight and sleep over on the ship. meant the kids went to my parents! prime time for me to go to bed early. So i am going to close down the computer, and head to bed!

Night!

Monday morning rant

Okay so I have the flu.  Alls i wanted to do this weekend was sleep!!! BUT…the cruel world had other plans.  you see being a single parent you are not allowed the luxury of laying down while sick.  the weekend still consisted of three little boys, a house that still needed to be cleaned, meals to be made and cleaned up after and of course LAUNDRY!!  I did rent movies on Friday night so when the kids woke up they could watch a movie and I could have an extra hour and half to lay in bed.

I had a friend call and ask if i wanted to take the boys for a hike, while i would always be game for this I had not moved from the big fluffy arm chair in the living room, no way was i going to be able to make it for a hike, so i offered going to the movies instead!  We saw, Nim’s Island.  It was cute!!  makes me want to run away to an island!!

Oh well, my mother knows how to push buttons that is for sure! So i took my boys out of the afterschool program and got a babysitter to come to the house.  Cheaper, and less stress most of the time.  But my mom says i have taken “all their friends away” and I really should get them into some sort of afterschool stuff!

Well, as I explained to my mothers deaf ears, I WORK FULL TIME and barely make it home with enough energy to get anything except the essentials done.  Then she goes on to tell me that I should put the into swimming class.  I explain to her, how will i ever pick them up.  She says, “she will do it” but you see the added stress of that is to much to bare!  When my mom says she will do something, it always feels like she will start to do it but expects me to finish as her life is much to busy and I should be doing it.  Then she pokes with the whole guilt thing, like “your the mother, you should be doing this” when clearly I am working trying to keep the roof over our heads and food on the table.  I cannot do it all.  My mother likes to remind me that I did soccer and so on.  She also like to remind me that she had/has a tidy clean house and that i do not.  But what my mother forgets is that there is only one of me.  She had my dad to help her with three kids, she also had a swedish babysitter that lived with us for years!

Sometimes I wish my parents would take the time to understand where i am coming from.  Take an interest in what i do.  My mom says my brother who is across the country is lonely, busy and tired.  She talked to him for three hours.  WELL WHAT ABOUT ME!?  I know they do not see me as struggling, I believe they see me being lazy not doing anything.  I do not know how they will ever understand.

okay enough of this, need to look toward the future of my day! Sailing Practice TODAY!  we have a match this week!!

Peace!

April Fools Day

Okay so it i little late! but I am not yet a prankster on my kids.  I just have not found the balance for it, but as a Sailing Instructor living on a ship with others I was ALWAYS the first to pull a prank….My favorite was wrapping the toliet bowl with saran wrap, and when one certain instructor used it….well you know what happens, luckily I happened to be sitting out in the ward room when it happened and we all got a great chuckle out of it…I am sure i could share some more of my shunanagins with you but let me tell you what my dad did…

Okay my dad, he comes almost every morning to the house.  We are usually in some state of confusion, but getting what needs to be done.  But he comes with a helping hand and Bessie (she is not so helpful)!!  Usually the two of us will get breakfast together for the boys and so on.  we chat about what ever with kids and puppy running around in the house!  Well april 1st was no different…

Dad came, this morning he came with a box of rasin bran and milk.  nothing out of the ordinary as they do not drink milk and it would have been left over from the weekend.  the cereal, well raymond buys more everytime he goes to my parents.  the morning breakfast “orders” are in.  I help raymond pour a bowl of cereal and go to pick up the milk.  My dad signals to me, No let him do it….hmmm ok i move on to the next kid at the table…

Little did i know my dad had dyed the milk RED! and out came this red milk and raymond starts screaming! MY MILK IS RED!! my dad laughing hysterically!  Raymond got fooled.  He was a good sport about it, surprisingly, he thought it was great!

Now i need to think of what i can do next year!!

I am still here

Okay so I am still here.  Life has been a whirlwind.  Struggling with my own demons.  I thought about it this morning about what i could write to get myself back in the swing of things.  So much has been going on…like i am coaching the High school sailing team! Having a blast!!  They have so much potential! We had our first meet, i was so nervous, as i have never been on that side of the team!  BUT WE WON THE MATCH! I was so proud of the team! Then they wrote about us in the local paper! It makes me so excited they are getting recognized for their hard work! We make them sail in the rain, no wind, lots of wind, shifty wind!! I even saw a harbor seal while practing this week! this makes me happy…

then i snap back to the real world…I just cannot seem to keep my house clean, or the laundry caught up or i am so tired at night to get the dishes done, then there is homework that needs to be done, or someone needs to “read” to me.  There just does not seem to be enough time in the day….how do other people do it? I just want to get the kids into bed, take an ambien and go to bed.

I have the flu.  who gets the flu?  I did.  I went to the doctors today as i my body hurt so bad it was wrong.  so i got some new meds to get the body back in shape. thank god for ambien!!

So rest and fluids and then i need to let all these negative thoughts out.  I am going to try to let go.

Thank you for the concern…

Peace.