Okay so with me having surgery, or my kidney stones blasted out like a jack hammer. The question on everyone’s mind is how did i deal with the “what are these two balls for?”
So like a good mother, i got the shiny object out and deflected the conversation to well something else. I had to have a plan. My inner thoughts went a little like this:
OH CRAP, I don’t know. Well I know what they are called. How do you explain to them without getting totally grossed out….OH CRAP, why would you squeeze them? Okay how do i explain this so they are not ashamed or have weird things about their bodies….gotta get a plan….okay if they had a normal dad who did not have “problems” and well could actually speak to them, that would be the answer…okay…my dad..OH GOD NO…that would mean we would have to talk about sex!
NO WAY…..I just had a conversation with my mom about sex…oh yeah did i tell you? when you are dying in pain, they ask when was your last period? I DON’T KNOW. a month ago….and the little tech lady wants a date…I am in so much pain i have no idea what the date is so i just say the first of the month….OMG….she comes in after i had finally found a spot on the table to be xrayed and says, you have to get dressed so they can do a pregnancy test on you…WTF…I said to the poor girl, “Look in order to be pregnant you have to have SEX, as the eight ball says, “outlook not good” for some time now. I pleaded with this woman, she was not having it….all the while my mother is waiting outside for me wondering what was taking so long….I walk out to my mom and say, so she thinks i might be pregnant but i tried to explain to her that only happens when you have SEX. and we all knows what happens when you have sex! BABIES!! I AM DONE. i just wanted the pain to go away!! anyway back to the balls….
their father ….OUT my dad…OUT maybe my brother, hmmm let me think, no he was embarrassed when the boys would say the word “penis” OMG he is so OUT
Looking around thinking, okay i am going to have to suck it up and deal. now what? Light bulb goes off, the LIBRARY that is where i will go. Okay i pack the kids in the car last weekend, off to the library we go. NOW What? in the library do you ask the 90 year old librian where can i find book about sex? NO. okay so i go the the computer, well i do not want it to think i am looking for anything dirty….so i sit there, embarrassed to just be looking at the computer, nothing in typed, feeling like everyone in the room is watching me…finally i type in “our amazing bodies” in the kids part of the library. Phew,a couple come up…write down the numbers, erase the history of searching and go sit down in front of the stacks.
Big deep breath…found a cool book giving little details but BIG pictures. and then i find another book in this section, brace yourself….What is going on down there? questions boys find hard to ask Oh yeah! I hit the jackpot! It was like the book was written for me! for kids ages 10 and over…so i peek inside to discover I AM SO NOT READY TO TALK ABOUT MASTURBATION!! or MORNING WOODS or WET DREAMS. Panic sets in.
i pack up the two books, gather the boys who are innocently reading a book to each other, and go check out. I tell the boys books are the keys to life sometimes. We can talk about our books when we get home.
Sure enough they still wanted to know what those damn balls were. So i read bits and pieces of this book. Showed them pictures, told them not “balls” “testicles”. As far as squeezing I said you might not want to do that. The seem so fascinated by the fact their body parts have names and they all do something. THen the topic of HAIR came up. Calmly i told them yup you too will get hair under your arm maybe on your chest on your face and oh yeah DOWN THERE….of course telling them that lead straight into hysterics! I am just waiting for the question “why does hair grow down there?” OMG
Well the book came in handy this week when i went in for my procedure, i could show them where the kidneys were and what was going on. so that was cool. I just want them to feel comfortable enough to come ask questions even when i may not know all the answers!!!
Deep breath. Fly High.
