Knock out

Okay imagine, you are fighting through the day.  And then it  happens, you fall.  You are a single mother, who struggles to balance kids, work, life and you fall.  You are sick.  No more denying it, it has been a while, but you have pushed it away.  I am not sick, I have work to do, i have homework to help with, teacher conferences to attend to, i have meetings to attend to, boats to repair, the list goes on.

Slowly crumbing at the knees, you hit the wall.   You can feel yourself slipping and lay on the ground.  The referee starts his count, 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10 YOUR OUT!  Unable to get I knew my cold had won! I was O.U.T.!!

Unable to get up again, I laid there a mess.  I called the doctor.  I said I was sick and really did not want to come in if he was just going to tell me that this to will pass, just fluids and rest.  I am very busy, have you seen my calendar? My next day that is free is March 15….then not again until June 22, I did not have time to be sick!  Begrudgingly I went to the doctors, as he said can you be here in 15 minutes, you NEED to be seen.

The nurse walked in, asked what my symptoms were, I started to cry.  I said i was tired, i had a cough, bloody noses, my head hurt, i was having trouble breathing and i had sores in my mouth which made it tough to eat anything.  My doctor came in next, I started to cry when he asked me what was up.  I just said I am sick, and i do not want to be sick anymore.  He looked me over and said YUP you are sick! YOU MUST REST! or you will not get better.  My sinuses were infected, my ear was infected and it was very possible i had walking pneumonia.  He was going to give me some strong antibiotics and super cough medicine and I was to take at least two days off and rest.  I cried knowing that I was alone with three kids, a babysitter that seems to be setting her own schedule, work that had to be done and now i had to take at least two days off.

I called my mom.  I knew what she was going to say, “I told you that you should have gone to the doctors sooner!”  She was going to pick up the children so i could rest.  Of course that was not without guilt, but i was so tired unable to fight with her.  I picked up my meds, and went home.

I crawled into bed,  I slept. I slept all day on Wednesday. I felt better and thought perhaps i will go to work on Thursday I was not that bad. Boy was i wrong, I got up, the kids were dropped off so i could get them to the bus stop. and the little bit of me going to the bus stop was so tiring.  I climbed back into bed and slept another day away.

Friday I woke and felt better, but still so so tired.  I went to work as I am the one who picks up paychecks, and does the timecards.  I know i could have called someone to pick up checks, but I just felt like I needed to go in.  By the time lunch came around, we ate and I was sweating and tired again.  Babysitter setting her own time again, so i decieded itwould be best if i just went home.

I laid on the couch, until my mom called to say she wanted to take the boys for the night.  So alas, i was alone again.

Today I feel better, but with just a little exersion I start to sweat and am so tired.  I so do not like to be sick!!

quick meme… a few things I’ve done in my lifetime.

quick meme… things I’ve done in my lifetime.  I go this over at Carrie’s! Thanks!!

Phew, i was a little worried.  Still am a bit, i feel i should have more “X”’s oh well, I guess i will have to do more things!!!

so here is how it goes…..

• Place an X by all the things you’ve done.
• If you’re copy and pasting, don’t forget to remove the X from the ones you have not done.
• Tell me you’ve posted this on your blog or Facebook notes page.
• to change it up a little, stick one more in, random to YOU and put an X by it and lets see how many other people have done that too.
  

( ) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
(X) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
() Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
( X) Sang Karaoke
( ) Gone to the Symphony
(X) Seen a Broadway play
( X ) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
( X ) Made prank phone calls
() Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
() Caught beads in a Mardi Gras Parade
() Flashed for Mardi Gras beads
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
(X) Skinny-dipped
(X) Been to a nude beach
(X) Sunbathed completely naked
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
() Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
(X) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( X ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Been bungee jumping
( X ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of the Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( X ) Traveled by motorcycle
() Been horse back riding
(X) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disney World
() Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
() Been white-water rafting
() Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
() Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Been to the North American continental divide
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( x ) Been spinnaker flying
( x ) Been water-skiing
(X) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Been to the Sistine Chapel
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Seen the Egyptian pyramids
() Been to a Major League Baseball game
() Were in the stands at an MLB “No-Hitter”
() Been to a National Football League game
( ) Been to the Superbowl
( ) Been to a National Hockey League game
( ) Touched the Stanley Cup
() Been to a National Basketball Association game
( ) Been to an NBA Finals game
( ) Been to a NASCAR event
( ) Been on television
(X) Stayed in a hotel by yourself
(X) Had your name in the newspaper
( x ) Have gone to a restaurant and eaten by yourself
( x) Have gone to the movies by yourself
(X) Kissed someone IN another country
( ) Know another language, besides English, fluently
( ) Have had cosmetic surgery
( ) Been in the live studio audience of a television program
( x ) Been mountain-climbing
( ) Have run a marathon (not an official marathon, but have run the distance!!
(X) Been married
( x ) Had children
(X) Been divorced
(X) Had your heart broken
() Owned a convertible
() Built a house from the ground up
() Have been to a vineyard/winery
(X) Have made a wish you still hope will come true
(X) Started a blog
(X) Posted a comment on a blog (other than your own)
(X) Been part of Facebook, MySpace, LinkedIn, or another social network

(X) Lived in San Francisco

I do not want to admit I might have a cold

Oh my, can you believe it has been over a week!  have you missed me??

Alright, if I admit “it” then that would require me to do something about it.  Now look, I am addicted to google calendar, gmail and picasa, ahhh hell i am addicted to google!! It runs my life.  I was looking on my calendar and my next day that has NOTHING on it is March 15th!  Then the next “free” day is June 20th! OMFG! that is the day before Camp starts! HOLY HELL!! I so do not have time to be sick!

If I were sick that would mean….

It means Iwould have to slow down, but i still have three boys that need attention and I do not have the luxury of saying to a spouse, “honey, Im sick, will you cook dinner, get the kids off to school and so on…so i can rest and get better?”  NOPE I have not had that luxury since 2002 and even then, I was a stay at home mom so there was no escaping work!

I have work to deal with, kids to deal with, sailing team to deal with, boats to deal with, yacht club boats to deal with, a house, laundry, dishes, groceries, doctor’s appts, car repairs, picnic tables to sand, teacher meetings to attend and so on, I will go on if you want……  Where do i fit in? I wonder sometimes how this is suppose to work.  My mother gives me no slack,a nd tells me to suck it up and move on.  And to think I am crazy enough to THINK about foster care again!

I think if i could be a foster parent fulltime, teach sailing in the summer and sailing team in the spring, I would be happier and healthier.

I want to take a sick day, hell a couple if I could.  But i suppose it will have to wait until March 15th.  I just hope nothing makes it to the calendar until then.  I am tired now!

Food Friday: Brownie Lava Dessert

Hey its food friday!!

So here is a recipe I plan on trying with the boys.  it just looks soooo good!  I will let you know how it comes out!  Let me know if you try it!!

Brownie Lava Dessert

(Serves 4 to 6)

1/2 cup pecan pieces

3 1/2 ounces good bittersweet chocolate

1 stick unsalted butter, cubed

1 cup minus 1 tablespoon sugar

2 extra-large eggs, lightly beaten

1/4 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Put the pecan pieces into a baking dish and lightly toast in the oven for about 10 minutes. Let cool.

Meanwhile, break up the chocolate and put it in a medium saucepan. Add the butter and melt gently over very, very low heat, stirring frequently.

Remove from the heat and stir in the sugar, then gradually stir in the eggs, followed by the vanilla extract.

When those ingredients are thoroughly mixed, stir in the flour, then, finally, the nuts. When there are no more floury streaks, scrape down the sides of the pan and transfer the mixture to a greased, 7-by-2 1/2-inch round or oval baking dish.

Bake for about 30 minutes, until the mixture is set on top and there is a soft, gooey layer at the bottom. Serve immediately, alone or with light cream or vanilla ice cream on the side.

– Adapted from “Heavenly Chocolate Desserts,” edited by Celine Hughes

Per serving (based on 6 servings): 468 calories, 6 grams protein, 31 grams fat, 15 grams saturated fat, 48 grams carbohydrate, 2 grams fiber, 122 milligrams cholesterol, 29 milligrams sodium

What a small world it is!

Everyone can have crazy days!  I went from back to back meetings today, introducing a tour to a school group, to picking up a cake at McQuades, to seeing my grandmother eating lunch at McQuades, which was random. Going to talk to a group of people who want to know more about the sailing programs I do. Oh yeah and coming home to children! OMG!  No one told me this when i signed up i would be this busy!!

Well of course i am always willing to talk with anyone that will listen to me about my sailing programs.  How passionate I am about them and so on…Well i really was walking into that meeting blind. Alls i knew was, some guy started a program for underprivlaged kids, to get them on the water.  They had a captain and they had a donated boat they used.  They wanted to know if there was any way we could work together to promote their program.  Well i was unsure how i could help, but i was willing to sit down with them and chat!

I walked into a room of five people.  This gentleman stood up, introduced himself and i took pause.  I KNEW HIM.  how?  Now i have been to conferences, i have been to clubs, I have meet a lot of people along my travels. I am sure i will meet more….but this man stood out.  I knew him!  and when i said something to the effect, he aggreed.  He knew me….hummmm but how?

Well we started talking about my programs adn some of the things i have accomplished and so on.  Then it hit me!! Like a ton of bricks!!!  HE WAS MY SAILING COACH IN COLLEGE! OMG!  I asked if he coached at my college…YUP!! Sure enough he knew me!  He asked about the guy i sailed with, YUP! I still was in touch with him! OMG it was great to see him and to show him how far i had gone! I explained to him he was my only coach I had and now I had my own team!! I was proud of myself and how far I have come.  I have gone all the channels of US Sailing to get my certifacations for small boat sailing, racing coach and being an instructor for powerboating!    It made me feel good.

I always felt like after leaving college i had to prove myself.  Never feeling as though I ever was taken seriously in college, for my work or sailing.  I sailed for a team and felt I knew more than my coach as i race competively as a teenager.  Always proving myself.  After my advisor told me that I would never make it in the education field and I should reconsider my choices in life. She told me I was to quiet, not assertive enough, and needed to think on my own.  I was crushed.  I still graduated with high honors from college, yet i still feel as though i am proving myself.  I have come a long way!!!  Although still trying to prove i am good enough.  Still trying to prove I can do it.  I do not know some days.

Today I proved to my old drunk sailing coach, I have done well in the sailing and education field!    I feel like i am growing up!

One Word from Facebook

USING ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think! Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on. It’s really hard to only use one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket
2. Your significant other? missing
3. Your hair? short
4. Your mother? tough
5. Your father? compassionate
6. Your favorite?? cannoli
7. Your dream last night? brains
8. Your favorite drink? ice tea
9. Your dream/goal? peace
10. What room you are in? living
11. Your hobby? sailing
12. Your fear? success
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? sailing
14. Where were you last night? home
15. Something that you aren’t? tall
16. Muffins? homemade
17. Wish list item? boat
18. Where you grew up? rhode island
19. Last thing you did? read
20. What are you wearing? jeans
21. Your TV? off
22. Your pets? Gnone
23. Friends? love
24. Your life? crazy
25. Your mood? overwhelmed
26. Missing someone? always
27. Car? quest
28. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
29. Your favorite store? LLBean
30. Your favorite color? blue
33. When is the last time you laughed? today
34. Last time you cried? today
35. Who will resend this? undetermined
36. One place that I go to over and over? work

Solo parenting sucks!

Okay the weekend has come to a close, (THANK GOD), it was a rough one for me.

Most of you have figured out or know by now I am a single mother.  Well I am more like a “Solo” mother and here’s why…. Single mothers and single fathers, they have each other. Like it or not, you do, you “share” custody.  He has them on the weekends, you have them on the week, vacations are split, or some how you are having some sort of sharing involved. You have each other to help deal with the children.  I have such a hard time with “single” parents complain, when really they are complaining to the wrong person!!

Well I dont have another parent to help.  Now dont get me wrong, I do have a wonderful support system from my parents and friends. But it is different.  It is on their time, when it is good for them.  When they do help out, always appreciated!!  it always seems to be as if they are doing so major favor for me and now i feel guilty that i have put them out in some way.  Like, I wanted to have kids, so I need to be responsible and take care of them.

I know having children is a sacrifice but I have given my whole life right now to them with no other “parent” involved.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel from a bad week, that their “father” is going to take them and i can enjoy some time alone. There is no one to say, man “THIS SUCKS, I thought these temper tantrums would end by now” OR “Wait until your Father gets a hold of you”

NO NO I AM THE BAD GUY.  I am always the bad guy! I hate being the bad guy all the time.

I think this weekend I have hit the wall of sorts with this.  I have hit the stage again of “NOT FAIR” and I want to throw myself on the floor and cry.  All weekend, i was continually picking up, folding laundry, picking up, making food that no one would eat, picking up….you get the picture. It was never ending.  Then Raymond who for some reason and having issues with life and crying or kicking someone for attention, (yes he is 8 ) just would not stop.

Raymond, after being in time out several times for kicking or talking back, throws himself into a chair and says we can never do anything fun and “This is not fair, I dont wanna pick up”…oh dear, nervous twich comes and then i let go a little…. i feel guilty for snapping  a little on him.

I told him, “I do want to clean either, but it has got to get done.  I don’t want to go to work, but someone has to put food on the table. I do want to live here, I want to be free.  BUT I AM NOT. I made a commitment to take care of YOU and that is the way it is going to be.  The sooner he got himself up and started helping we could go do something fun!”  I also went on to tell him he was old enough to help out and we could get this done sooner!!!

All my children had a little shock on their faces!  Raymond went crying to his room, Jordan went to his room and started picking up and nathaniel was following me around asking me if he could help me….

So tell me how do other people do this?  Where do I get my guilt free time off?  Where can i leave my kids and some one else can take a little of this load?  The school day is just not long enough and i can barely afford to pay the babysitter!  Plus when they are at school I have to work! and OMG do I have work, and side note, I really do not feel appreciated at work some days.  I think that is for another day, might be soon at this rate….

Parenting is not easy, and doing it alone is HARD. don’t let anyone fool you.  That woman with 14 kids is NOT going to have fun!!!  TRUST ME! I have three is it is not always fun.  Not that I wish for MY ex husband to come and help me because let’s face it he is a creeper and even a judge has said so!  But i would like a little help here. guidance, rule book, as it seems the rules change every few years….sorta like they do with sailing!   I am sure being divorced and having to share custody comes with its own struggles. I am sure the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side but right now it looks like rainbows and it is raining on my side.

BLAH! so there.

25 things tag from facebook

Advertise

Ok for those of you on facebook you will know that this silly little meme of 25 things is going around.   So why waste it just on facebook??  You can enjoy it too….

Now if you want to play, consider yourself tagged.  Just leave a comment letting me know you did this so i can read your 25 things!!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

ALRIGHT ALREADY! I lost count how many times i was tagging in this note thing….I have given in…here goes..

1. This is my first note, I had no idea where it was and had to follow the directions.
2. I have three boys, one adopted and biological twins.
3. They all love the water and sailing.
4. I sometimes sleep with the TV on
5. I am addicted to facebook and email just like everyone else reading this.
6. I have not worn a watch in over 20 years, except for the watch on my lifejacket when i was racing.
7. High school sailing team practice starts in four weeks
8. I have worn toe rings for 20 years, I NEVER take then off
9. I love to wear sandals if i HAVE to wear shoes.
10. I get to throw harpoons at work, sail boats, drive power boats, move historic boats…hum could it be better? (dont answer that)
11. I love my new glass ring
12. My name means “pertaining to the water” like my parents knew
13. I sailed on a 12 meter and LOVED LOVED IT. Going back to Newport at the end of the summer again
14. I sailed on a WH15 wednesday nights and enjoyed the company
15. My grandfather was very important to me. I miss him. I wonder what he would think of me now?
16. I suffer from a broken heart. Even my energist said so.
17. I worry about my best friend
18. I wonder who worries about me
19. I bought a new washer today
20. I do not eat beef and have not in over 20 years
21. I own two lifejackets, one red front zipper and one yellow side zipper. Depends on my mood on which one to wear.
22. My dream is to sell all my things and buy a boat. Live life free on the water
23. I love music. Pandora.com is my favorite website
24. I have a secret. no one knows.
25. Having children is not what i expected.

The Letter “B”

I love Sara, she completed this “meme of sorts” over at her blog, and it looked like fun so I signed up!  I know i posted three posts yesterday, so felt a little tapped out, so I asked Sara for a letter and she picked the letter “B”.   now i need to pick ten words that start with this letter assigned.  Now if you want to play leave me a message if you want to play.

1. Boats -  Boats, boats, boats, boats!!  If you know me, you know! BOATS clearly are one of my favorite “b” words.  I have been on boats since I was born!  My name means, “pertaining to the sea”.  I mean come on!  I work on boats, I work for boats, I sleep on a boat, I coach on a boat, I teach on a boat, I love boats…thank god my kids like boats!!

2. Beer – I love beer, I prefer beer over wine, oh wait, I do not like wine, it gives me a headache.  I used to brew beer with my exhusband.  I love a great stout.  MMMM…

3. Babies – I love babies, they are so innocent, they are seeing the world for the first time. It is a wonderful experience to watch them grow.  All babies need unconditional love and they only give unconditional love back!  The look of your baby looking into your eyes, melt my heart!

4. Bequia - One of the most beautiful islands i have sailed to!!  So when you start looking for me in retirement, this is the island i will be on….. It is wonderful!!  The waters are clear, the sun shines and the people are happy.  Oh it is an island surrounded by water.  I will be pulling my boat into this port to stay.  There is a cool house, built out of rock.  I have been there to visit.  I will go back someday, who is with me?

5. Beach -Well the beach was my safe haven.  When I was a kid, this was my place. I would walk all the time down to the wall.  I would try and find my way, you know as a misunderstood teenager, this was my place I could hide and think about life. I would sit and watch the waves come in sets.  I would watch people surf or fish or i would participate. I now find the beach a wonderful place to walk with the boys to clear my head.

6. Burts Bees Wax – I have loved burts bees wax for many many years. I remember a time when you could not buy it in stores and would have to order it on line!  I used to use the shampoo bar, that was my favortie.  I love the lip balm, the lifeguard lip balm is key in the summer living on the water.

7.  “Befuddled”- defined as to confuse or perplex.  Just a fun word i like to say….what can i say?

8. Bells – I have a string of bells hanging in my breezyway between my screen door and main door.  So I hear the bells everytime you open the door. I just like the sound they make, they make me happy, something i first bought when i moved into my house after the divorce.  It is a reminder of my strength of being here with my boys and making it work.

9. Birth – what an amazing part in life.  I tell my boys i have superpowers!  That I can give birth!!  That is one of my many superpowers!  (easiest part of childrearing!)

10. Bouquet of flowers – I love fresh cut flowers.  I love colorful fun and interesting flowers.  I am not a fan of roses believe it or not, i did nto have any at my wedding I dislike them that much!!  They have since grown on me, but i still would not pick them first.  I love bouquets of flowers, sadly I have to buy them if I want them.  So sometimes, I treat myself to a nice boquet when the house is all clean, to celebrate how nice it is!!

She has how many children?

One Two three…14? how many children?

So I go back and forth on this one…we live in a free country and should be allowed to have as many children as we want.  Right? So why is everyone throwing daggers at this woman who already had six children, a set of 2 year old twins and four others as old as 7?  Should she not have the right to have as many children as she wants?

I always have thought that we have to go through a background check to adopt a dog, but no one does a background check on you if you are having your own children.  My brother adopted a puppy, but my parents picked it up and had to say they were adopting it.  They had to visit the dog, come back for interview and so on.  Every couple of months the breeder called my parents house to ask how the dog was doing….Now that was for a dog!!

What I do not understand is this, she has been reported to have a higher education, may even have her masters in counseling!  Sounds like she might need some herself…oh wait the article said she was in counseling for wanting babies, and lots of them….

I understand as a mother wanting to have children, this article i read said she has children with special needs.  I would think a mother would want to give as much attention to the children, six kids, all the attention and love you could.  She is a single mother, living with her parents.

This mother will need a ton of support, emotionally, physically, financially and so on.  I know the news articles say she was not looking for attention or support.  But if you can not live on your own with the six kids you already have how is it that you will make it on your own with 14?  More than doubled her family.

I am a single mother of three and let me tell you three is enough.  I love my boys and cannot imagine having more without more support.    SOunds like her own mother does not want to support her any more!  If this woman loved children so much, why not be a foster parent?  I am.  I have loved being a foster parent.  I have had 20 kids come and go. Mostly babies.  I love children.  But I would not want to have 14 of my own.

I wonder how these children will grow up? I wonder what problems lay ahead of them.  They did not ask to be brought into this world.  I only hope the best for them.