It must start with me if it is to get better

I always hear, life is like a roller coaster.  But someone said, yes it is like a roller coaster but it is the only ride we get!  how right they are…makes you think….

Okay life has been a bit crazy, that is no secret.  I get it, I have been hitting the bottom and I have been digging as it was not low enough.  I think i had an outer body experience a couple of weeks ago.  I had cried everyday on my way to work, and then at night thinking i just cannot go back.  I found myself, reaching for comfort items that were not helping anyone, my kids, my job, my friendships and so on but me especially.  I could see i needed help.  I  had gone through a whole bottle of rum and i really do not drink anymore, ask anyone.  nothing was making me happy.  It seemed as though passion was sucked out of me and I hurt.

I realized no one was going to reach into my black hole and rescue me.  I had to save myself.  It was like i was back on that floor on Oberlin Street, after I had kicked my ex husband out, paralyzed, this time not in fear but in self pity.

So step one, get a kitten.  It would love me unconditionally, alls i have to do is feed it and water it and it will love me. It will not fight or yell at me.  They say having a pet will help your soul.  Okay, check that off!  The kitten has arrived, Lily.

Just getting the kitten did not help.  I was still crying.  Now what?  I know, i need to go to the gym and eat better.  I have such an urge to fight, why not at the gym.  I have been eating food that does not make me feel good.  I need help doing this as i have trying on my own forever and honestly seems like it is a fail.

So help is what i looked for.  I had a nutritionist, she was nice, but by the book, FOOD PYRAMID, ugh.  But I don’t like pasta, bread gives me a stomach and milk, YUCK!  So that was good, she helped me see that drinking so much Crystal lite ice tea was not so good and now I really only drink water.

So a couple of things happened, Becca, was going to the gym to see a trainer and would come home and rave about her experience.  I wanted to feel that high too.  So I went, talked with the owner, he does not have an ounce of fat on him, lets just say he is ripped!  I laid it out on the line to him, I told him I needed help.  I was nervous, I did very little exercise, was pretty much a “princess” and pulled the girl card as needed.  I also told him that I actually am the boss at work and was not sure how this would work, someone telling me what to do.  Mike, the trainer, saw this as a challenge i think.  He really does not take no for an answer, and he seems to know when the weights are to light!  I have found that high, coming home from the gym.  I even have homework i need to do every night.  Mike thinks i should be doing cardio everyday! I think he is smoking crack, I said obtainable goals.  Three or four days a week!  Two with him!

Then, when going to my favorite juice bar…..wait the Only juice bar in the area…..I was talking with the owner, talking to her about foods, and nutritionists and so on.  She recommended, Heather!  Heather is a Health Counselor, helping me understand food better, what foods work and SUPPORT!  Someone who is not dwelling on the food pyramid, but focusing on me as the individual.  We have meet twice, it has been great. It seems as though someone understands what i am saying and will help.

Everyday seems to have its own challenges.  I do nto seem to cry everyday, I am trying to look forward to the positives, going to the gym, talking with Heather.  I want to enjoy life and everyone around me.  I need to be a good example for my boys.  I want to find what is missing.  I am the only one who will fix it.  I know that.  I am ready and I am arming myself with the support I need. I know it may not be easy, and may fall again, but I hope this time I am pointing in the right direction.  (oh and I have lost 8lbs!!)

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