School, food, Life

A week and half of school is done!  PHEW how many more do we have to go?  Dont get me wrong my kids love school.  I feel like i have been behind the eight ball lately…trying to play catch up from the summer, then feeling unmotivated to get anything done, like upload pictures from my camera and such!  OMG  since the middle of July there were well over 300 pictures that needed attention!!  It looks like through the pictures it was a great summer! Oh my!

Well it was back to school night, and we all know how much i like those things….okay I really do not like them.  I know i know it is all in my head.  I know i am insecure about the fact i am flying solo on this parenting thing, but i feel like there is a huge spot light on my back as i sit in the front of the gym.  SHE’S THE SINGLE PARENT OF THE CRAZY EXHUSBAND.

Well i do not know any of these parents other to say hello.  Not like any are my friends.  Close to the end of the talk from teh principal i started counting my fingers as i got nervous sitting there.  I looked around and even the gay guys sitting in front of me had each other.  AGGHHHH!!  Deep breath it is over…and really it is about Jordan and no one else.  He is a smart kid he just needs to apply himself!

On to other things, today while eating lunch with a great friend, I reconized someone from my married days.  She was the mother of my exhusbands best man.  She was an amazing woman.  She was always so kind to me.  Even after the divorce she called.  She asked what happened, and i must have felt comfortable enough to tell her.  She even lives in the same town i do.  but as time has gone on, and chester made me feel crazy and isolated, i lost touch.  Well today, I saw her, and all i could think of was my dad, my dad telling me that if you see someone you know, you must go up and say hello.  UGH, i struggled with it, but i did, i went up and said hello.  She did not recognize me at first, but i had my name tag on from work.  and once she realized who i was, (with great fear i was going to be rejected) she hugged me!  It was awesome, but i was still oh so nervous.  I did the right thing.  We chatted for a bit, I was so happy to see her.  She was very warm and welcoming.  Verying good to see her, and i hope to be in touch with her again.  I am so glad i said hello.  I worried so much in those few minutes.  I mean it has been over 1 1/5 years since i have seen chester, what if he had been filling her with lies.  But he had not, she asked about him and if we saw him.  She was sad to hear he was no longer allowed to talk with us or see us, but she also understood it was for the best for the boys.  I have to always remind myself that i did nothing wrong and the divorce was not my fault.  Thank heavens for my dad, his voice reminded me to do the right thing.

So i have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Well Carrie wanted to try the blueberry bliss one, so i made her the blueberry bliss, i made a peach and basil for myself and a sampler for Amanda!!  YUMMY!! I like this eating more fresh fruits and veggies!! Still only have lost 24 lbs!  UGHHHH

Lastly, we had a sushi night at my house with the STS gang.  It was great fun. It is nice to make and eat food together! Even the kids got into it a little.  Jordan eating salmon!! YUMMY!!

Month update

Wow it has been so long since i last blogged! Holy cow!  Alright some updates:

1. outlaws have been informed that I will not be sending pictures and if the kids want to be in contact with them when they get older that will be fine…other than that right now i am not comfortable with it.
2. next week is the last week of camp THANK HEAVENS
3. I have had walking pneumonia…I am better now, but i hate being sick
4. I have lost 21 lbs!! OMG
5. I cried today
6. It is time for summer to end although i am not  ready for fall season to start
7. I am working on a cool xmas project for my family
8. My mom is the only one who knows i am doing this and it is killing me, I want to tell my dad!!
9. This project is for my dad, my aunts and my grandmother
10. Jordan is away at camp!  How cool is that?
11. I want a new job
12. I saw a pretty interesting guy, Matt Monarch, talk about Raw food diet.  A lot of things to think about
13. So much to think about, how food make you really feel. and are we all really eating food anymore?
14. AGH so much to think about!  thank heavens there is Heather to sort all this out!!
15. Get to go pick up Jordan
16. Kids go back to school!!

Okay well i want to find time for my blog!! and i will! So many other things to talk about!! I am trying very hard to look towards the positives, like camp is almost over! phew!! then I am sailing on a 12 meter again! YEAH!!  This xmas project is AWESOME!!

Superman is to Kryponite as I am to my “outlaws”

Ok ok I know i talked about this in my last post….. i talked about my “outlaws” but i have to tell you this subject brings me to my knees.  I do wish there was some sort of guide or rule book or hell someone else who has dealt with this kinda of stuff. Now i know there are others out there but it is not a subject that comes up often.

Well a little back story, I have sole custody of my boys and my ex is not allowed to have any contact with us and if he would like to he has to have testing done to prove he is not a threat to the children.  Now his parents have seen my boys a grand total of 5 times in their 10 years on this earth.  They were never nice to me, writing letters to me telling me what an awful person i was.  Then to have my “husband” at the time defend them and take their side.  Now he married me not his parents!  But whatever, the bottom line in it all, they KNEW he had a problem before he married me and started having children.

So i feel bad they do not know how wonderful my kids are.  They are growing up to be great kids, they are smart, funny, and beautiful.  I am not doing so bad and who would not want to brag about their wonderful kids?  And guess what, it has nothing to do with them  or their son have done for me or the boys.  I really feel it is a privilege to be a parent or a grandparent, it is not a right. The have not earned the right to be their grandparents.  They did not protect them before they came to the earth what makes me think they will protect them now?

I feel as though my boys do not need such negititivy in their lives, or such mean spirited people.  I have not allow contact with them.  I am sure with this age of computers i will not be able to keep it away for ever.  They sent me an email yesterday asking in not a very nice way to send them pictures of their grandsons.   I just do not know what to do? i want to do what is right and what is best for the boys…….but i have to wonder am i doing the right thing by not allowing contact? should i share pictures with them? should i share stories? will that lead them to want to see them? is it opening pandora’s box?  oh god this kills me.

A week goes by so fast!

Phew this week passed so quickly!  Gym, sailing through a squall, camp inspector coming to camp.  Then getting sick.  YUCK!!

Gym was good.  I am starting to notice clothes fit different, my dad noticed, he said why do you keep pulling up your pants? ’cause they are to big!!  how cool is that?  I have lost 16 lbs and inches of my body!  it is cool!  It is hard work as well!  I like the way it makes me feel. and i am feeling better.

Sailing through the squall, holy shit! tallen and i were getting ready for the start, i said to him, i am having a hard time seeing the start.  We were getting heavier wind and then as the starting gun goes off, the wind changes directions 180 degrees and picks up to 20 plus knots!  YIKES, four boats drop out and tallen and i pull ourselves together cross the start line a little late but finish the race.  It was heavy wind, we got banged around a little, but all in all we had a great time.

Friday i could tell i was getting sick but went to the gym anyway to see if i could sweat it out.  THat is after the camp inspector came.  We passed.  I came home and went straight to bed. Wayne called on his way home from practice, to see what was going on.  He offered help, it was so nice!  thanks!

They boys were tired they watch tv,i picked up some chinese food for them and i crawled back into bed until noon the next day.  phew!

Went shopping for Jordan’s big camp he is off to in a couple of weeks.  Picked up granny at the airport, hung with mom and dad then made my way home.

To put a damper on the weekend, the “outlaws” emailed me asking me to send pictures “of their grandsons”  I am torn. I do not know what to do about this….what the right thing to do…they were so mean to me.  I can count the times they have seen my boys on one hand.  but as a proud mother i want to share my boys and show the world what great kids they are! UGH i just do not know what to do…..I wish there was a rule book or guidelines to follow in this case… share your thoughts.

Phew craziness

What it is April 5th! and i have not written in so long…sorry i can explain.

As everyone knows, the ecomomy sucks! and well that effects everyones job!  I mean i have had friends loose their jobs and some who they are told they might be on the chopping block as well! It is stressful to hear, but i must say, work for me has been S T R E S S F U L!!! OMG kinda like we are all in the zoo, the animal keeper is starving us, tricking us, trying to get us to jump through hoops and then dangling food.  We all seem to be turning on each other.  It sucks!  NO FUN!

To make work more fun, one of friends and coworkers who took the early retirment in December, passed away this week.  We all knew she was sick and has had cancer for years!  She is a strong woman!  She put up one hell of a fight!  I hope she is at peace now, she will be missed.

This kid thing is tough.  I really think i need friends that are single parents.  I found out there is a single parents group here in town, the last thursday of the month.  So i think i am going to go.  Now, i told my mom about this.  YOu know trying to do something positive for me.  She told me, “go, but you might find you have a lot more support than everyone else”  For FUCK SAKE!  let me just go.  She has no idea what it is like to be a solo parent.  She had my dad, we had opairs for years, she has had house cleaners and babysitters!  SO she HAS NO IDEA!!  I guess i was hurt when she said that, instead of supporting me she shot me down.  UGH

I spent my who sunday helping jordan work on his project, honestly, i worked on it while i pushed him along!  Then i was inside all day trying to push him and i was cleaning.  I really wanted to go outside and take a walk in this wonderful weather.

So some other random things, i found out about this site… thescramble.com it is awesome!  It makes a HEALTHY menu and then creates a list for you to go grocery shopping!! OMG sooooo cool!!!!  check it out and let me know what you think!!

lastly there is this website that keeps coming to my site, condron.us weird, it is like blogs for people with ADD! check it out!

Mind dumb

I have to say, my mind seems to be flooded with thoughts…i just cannot seem to keep one long enough to react.  So i thought i would just do a little mind dumb…. here goes

• We have our first sailing match today! very excited about that but not about riding the bus.
• Work is tough and that is all i am going to say
• i have new glasses! I dont love or hate them, they are just different
• i am having bad dreams again.  ugh
• i watch grey’s anatomoy last night, and wonder is there is such a thing as the love and relationships they portray?
• I think i need a hug, from someone who cares
• I cried yesterday
• my exhusband is not allow to talk to us or communicate with the kids.  so he had his “roommate” send them to me and signed his name.  jerk.
• parenting seems to be getting in the way of life.
• single parenting is tough, when i say i do not have time, no i really mean it, the only “free” time is when the kids are in school and i have to work…and they do not go to school long enough.
• kids get sick, my life stops, ugh
• i have a kid free weekend, but i have to work all day on saturday
• my house is a mess
• my laundry is all caught up, i only have sheets to do!  I love my new washer!!
• i am going out to dinner with a friend tonight and tomorrow night
• i get to hang out with teenagers this afternoon
• i am hungry

I dont know what to say

So work is a bit stressful….you know same old story…economy is bad, work is stressful…blah blah blah…

I am having health related issues, that are scary.  I feel kinda lonely. I know i have plenty of supportive friends but…

I never really thought i would be HERE in life, alone with no significant other, to hold on to for support.  Instead i stand strong, trying to show my boys that in times that are tough, you stand up and fight. Never take it laying down.  It just gets so tough, and the longer i keep others out the harder it is to let people in to help….ugh!

Sailing team has started and last year it was my “happy place” no matter how shitty work or life was that was a place for me to be “free”.  This year i just dont feel it. I am not sure if i just have not gotten into the groove but ugh, it is almost like work.

I want to throw glass.  If you have ever thrown glass or plates it just seems so good.  a stress reliever.  I remember as i kid i would walk on the beach, sit on the jetty and throw a glass bottle against the rocks.  I KNOW it was littering, but i cold rationalize it as, i was helping someone grow their sea glass collection…So what about creating a space where you could, bring your own plates or bottles and come throw them against the wall or rocks or something.  a controlled enviroment so we were not polluting the earth.  I just think that would be a great stress reliever.  Maybe tomorrow after practice i will go throw a bottle….

My mind works in curious ways

I  think my mind is like a filing system, a bit unorganized.  but none the less, ordered enough to pull the right file out and say this is where you were a year ago, or a smell will trigger a memory, good or bad and all those files flood you.

I think our mind is such a curious thing.  I feel as though it can tell time.  a huge event has happened, say a birth, you remember and the feelings that go with it, you remember death and the feeling that go with that….or other things that are a bit more private in your world but you still remember and everyone around does not necessarily remember things like, marriage proposal, divorce, rape, termination of the right to visit your children.

you see, my mind has been dreaming, and they have not been good dreams. Dreams of being out of control.  I feel for the most part I have my world in some sort of order, even though it looks chaotic…. what am i talking about?  This Friday will be the one year mark of us being free of Chester.  We have not heard a word from him since that day.  It was such an awful day, I really did not want to be standing there because eleven years earlier while planning my wedding i never thought i would have been standing in the Hallway.

There have been questions from the kids, and I feel i have answered them as best i could.  But my mind, i think I still has  trouble answering all the questions.  I still feel unresolved, still feeling like i still watch over my shoulder, worry a bit more about the boys.  worry about doing the right thing.  My dreams are so mean to me, they have made me feel as if chester is coming into my life, and literally pull the rug out from where i am standing and taking control.  In the dream, I am constantly pulling back, looking for help, but i always end up in a room.  Locked in the room, I am banging on doors begging to get out, because i know i have friends and family willing to help.

I think i am dealing with an internal struggle. But i blame it on my minds clock.  It knows. It remembers last year standing in the hallway for the last time.  The fear I had that day.  The fears i still have.  The fear of what is ahead for me.

So before I go to bed tonight, I will think of sailing.  clear blue water, I know i cannot change the wind, no matter how hard i try, but i can adjust my sails in order to gain a bit more control…..

Solo parenting sucks!

Okay the weekend has come to a close, (THANK GOD), it was a rough one for me.

Most of you have figured out or know by now I am a single mother.  Well I am more like a “Solo” mother and here’s why…. Single mothers and single fathers, they have each other. Like it or not, you do, you “share” custody.  He has them on the weekends, you have them on the week, vacations are split, or some how you are having some sort of sharing involved. You have each other to help deal with the children.  I have such a hard time with “single” parents complain, when really they are complaining to the wrong person!!

Well I dont have another parent to help.  Now dont get me wrong, I do have a wonderful support system from my parents and friends. But it is different.  It is on their time, when it is good for them.  When they do help out, always appreciated!!  it always seems to be as if they are doing so major favor for me and now i feel guilty that i have put them out in some way.  Like, I wanted to have kids, so I need to be responsible and take care of them.

I know having children is a sacrifice but I have given my whole life right now to them with no other “parent” involved.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel from a bad week, that their “father” is going to take them and i can enjoy some time alone. There is no one to say, man “THIS SUCKS, I thought these temper tantrums would end by now” OR “Wait until your Father gets a hold of you”

NO NO I AM THE BAD GUY.  I am always the bad guy! I hate being the bad guy all the time.

I think this weekend I have hit the wall of sorts with this.  I have hit the stage again of “NOT FAIR” and I want to throw myself on the floor and cry.  All weekend, i was continually picking up, folding laundry, picking up, making food that no one would eat, picking up….you get the picture. It was never ending.  Then Raymond who for some reason and having issues with life and crying or kicking someone for attention, (yes he is 8 ) just would not stop.

Raymond, after being in time out several times for kicking or talking back, throws himself into a chair and says we can never do anything fun and “This is not fair, I dont wanna pick up”…oh dear, nervous twich comes and then i let go a little…. i feel guilty for snapping  a little on him.

I told him, “I do want to clean either, but it has got to get done.  I don’t want to go to work, but someone has to put food on the table. I do want to live here, I want to be free.  BUT I AM NOT. I made a commitment to take care of YOU and that is the way it is going to be.  The sooner he got himself up and started helping we could go do something fun!”  I also went on to tell him he was old enough to help out and we could get this done sooner!!!

All my children had a little shock on their faces!  Raymond went crying to his room, Jordan went to his room and started picking up and nathaniel was following me around asking me if he could help me….

So tell me how do other people do this?  Where do I get my guilt free time off?  Where can i leave my kids and some one else can take a little of this load?  The school day is just not long enough and i can barely afford to pay the babysitter!  Plus when they are at school I have to work! and OMG do I have work, and side note, I really do not feel appreciated at work some days.  I think that is for another day, might be soon at this rate….

Parenting is not easy, and doing it alone is HARD. don’t let anyone fool you.  That woman with 14 kids is NOT going to have fun!!!  TRUST ME! I have three is it is not always fun.  Not that I wish for MY ex husband to come and help me because let’s face it he is a creeper and even a judge has said so!  But i would like a little help here. guidance, rule book, as it seems the rules change every few years….sorta like they do with sailing!   I am sure being divorced and having to share custody comes with its own struggles. I am sure the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side but right now it looks like rainbows and it is raining on my side.

BLAH! so there.

The Letter “B”

I love Sara, she completed this “meme of sorts” over at her blog, and it looked like fun so I signed up!  I know i posted three posts yesterday, so felt a little tapped out, so I asked Sara for a letter and she picked the letter “B”.   now i need to pick ten words that start with this letter assigned.  Now if you want to play leave me a message if you want to play.

1. Boats -  Boats, boats, boats, boats!!  If you know me, you know! BOATS clearly are one of my favorite “b” words.  I have been on boats since I was born!  My name means, “pertaining to the sea”.  I mean come on!  I work on boats, I work for boats, I sleep on a boat, I coach on a boat, I teach on a boat, I love boats…thank god my kids like boats!!

2. Beer – I love beer, I prefer beer over wine, oh wait, I do not like wine, it gives me a headache.  I used to brew beer with my exhusband.  I love a great stout.  MMMM…

3. Babies – I love babies, they are so innocent, they are seeing the world for the first time. It is a wonderful experience to watch them grow.  All babies need unconditional love and they only give unconditional love back!  The look of your baby looking into your eyes, melt my heart!

4. Bequia - One of the most beautiful islands i have sailed to!!  So when you start looking for me in retirement, this is the island i will be on….. It is wonderful!!  The waters are clear, the sun shines and the people are happy.  Oh it is an island surrounded by water.  I will be pulling my boat into this port to stay.  There is a cool house, built out of rock.  I have been there to visit.  I will go back someday, who is with me?

5. Beach -Well the beach was my safe haven.  When I was a kid, this was my place. I would walk all the time down to the wall.  I would try and find my way, you know as a misunderstood teenager, this was my place I could hide and think about life. I would sit and watch the waves come in sets.  I would watch people surf or fish or i would participate. I now find the beach a wonderful place to walk with the boys to clear my head.

6. Burts Bees Wax – I have loved burts bees wax for many many years. I remember a time when you could not buy it in stores and would have to order it on line!  I used to use the shampoo bar, that was my favortie.  I love the lip balm, the lifeguard lip balm is key in the summer living on the water.

7.  “Befuddled”- defined as to confuse or perplex.  Just a fun word i like to say….what can i say?

8. Bells – I have a string of bells hanging in my breezyway between my screen door and main door.  So I hear the bells everytime you open the door. I just like the sound they make, they make me happy, something i first bought when i moved into my house after the divorce.  It is a reminder of my strength of being here with my boys and making it work.

9. Birth – what an amazing part in life.  I tell my boys i have superpowers!  That I can give birth!!  That is one of my many superpowers!  (easiest part of childrearing!)

10. Bouquet of flowers – I love fresh cut flowers.  I love colorful fun and interesting flowers.  I am not a fan of roses believe it or not, i did nto have any at my wedding I dislike them that much!!  They have since grown on me, but i still would not pick them first.  I love bouquets of flowers, sadly I have to buy them if I want them.  So sometimes, I treat myself to a nice boquet when the house is all clean, to celebrate how nice it is!!