NO MORE LONELY. Take your friend depression and go!

Dear Lonely

It seems as if you have touched yet another two victims, my friends.  Lonely…. you and your friend depression, well you two go hand in hand sometimes and well….you hurt!  I do not know if it is more lonely or depression that your icy hand comes into ones soul and rips out hope.  This icy grip has grabbed another soul to tightly i am afraid.   I know we have had good times and bad.  For what ever reason your grip has not been so tight on me.  I appreciate that.

Sure I still do not like the feeling of going to bed at night .  I still have to leave the tv on because sometimes i am scared to be alone. Lonely hurts and then depressions comes in for the kill. Or how about waking in the middle of the night and no one is there to protect me from the monsters under the bed…lonely hurts…… Sure I go home and have three over joyed children to see me and tell me about their day, but have no adult to listen to my day or even care that my day may have sucked.  I do know , Lonely you are your friend depression, are waiting for me for the holidays.  This year will be different, because i have found a new friend, Hope and her friend Motivation.

You have taken so much from me that I have come to believe there are no good guys out there that would accept me as i am, a mother with control issues, a little bit of OCD and the need to be loved.  The longer your icy grip has held, i am not sure if it is that i have just become numb to the feeling or i am accepting it.  Please let me thaw out….i do not want to be this way…..please please release your grip.

Release your grip not only on me but leave my friends out of it.  Please let my friends go, she wants to get up and have a better life.  I think depression has come in for the kill.  She does not want to do any of the fun things in life, hell, she does not even want to go to the gym….and that was her happy place.  Let her go!  I have other friends, and i have to believe, Hope and Motivation will be with them soon.

Some things you cannot take away though.  and those are my friends.  Yes, I have friends now, everyone is in a different place in life, some are married, some are single, some are divorced, some are dating.  Not one of them can relate to my lonely, but each of them can understand a little of what it is like.  I think you have found your way into some of their hearts…but i am here to tell you NO MORE LONELY.  Take your friend depression and go!  I am done with you.  So to quote Dr. Seuss:

“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
~ Dr. Seuss

Be gone, Hope and Motivation are here to stay!!

Lovingly,

Working Hard over here with out you!

School, food, Life

A week and half of school is done!  PHEW how many more do we have to go?  Dont get me wrong my kids love school.  I feel like i have been behind the eight ball lately…trying to play catch up from the summer, then feeling unmotivated to get anything done, like upload pictures from my camera and such!  OMG  since the middle of July there were well over 300 pictures that needed attention!!  It looks like through the pictures it was a great summer! Oh my!

Well it was back to school night, and we all know how much i like those things….okay I really do not like them.  I know i know it is all in my head.  I know i am insecure about the fact i am flying solo on this parenting thing, but i feel like there is a huge spot light on my back as i sit in the front of the gym.  SHE’S THE SINGLE PARENT OF THE CRAZY EXHUSBAND.

Well i do not know any of these parents other to say hello.  Not like any are my friends.  Close to the end of the talk from teh principal i started counting my fingers as i got nervous sitting there.  I looked around and even the gay guys sitting in front of me had each other.  AGGHHHH!!  Deep breath it is over…and really it is about Jordan and no one else.  He is a smart kid he just needs to apply himself!

On to other things, today while eating lunch with a great friend, I reconized someone from my married days.  She was the mother of my exhusbands best man.  She was an amazing woman.  She was always so kind to me.  Even after the divorce she called.  She asked what happened, and i must have felt comfortable enough to tell her.  She even lives in the same town i do.  but as time has gone on, and chester made me feel crazy and isolated, i lost touch.  Well today, I saw her, and all i could think of was my dad, my dad telling me that if you see someone you know, you must go up and say hello.  UGH, i struggled with it, but i did, i went up and said hello.  She did not recognize me at first, but i had my name tag on from work.  and once she realized who i was, (with great fear i was going to be rejected) she hugged me!  It was awesome, but i was still oh so nervous.  I did the right thing.  We chatted for a bit, I was so happy to see her.  She was very warm and welcoming.  Verying good to see her, and i hope to be in touch with her again.  I am so glad i said hello.  I worried so much in those few minutes.  I mean it has been over 1 1/5 years since i have seen chester, what if he had been filling her with lies.  But he had not, she asked about him and if we saw him.  She was sad to hear he was no longer allowed to talk with us or see us, but she also understood it was for the best for the boys.  I have to always remind myself that i did nothing wrong and the divorce was not my fault.  Thank heavens for my dad, his voice reminded me to do the right thing.

So i have been making green smoothies for breakfast.  Well Carrie wanted to try the blueberry bliss one, so i made her the blueberry bliss, i made a peach and basil for myself and a sampler for Amanda!!  YUMMY!! I like this eating more fresh fruits and veggies!! Still only have lost 24 lbs!  UGHHHH

Lastly, we had a sushi night at my house with the STS gang.  It was great fun. It is nice to make and eat food together! Even the kids got into it a little.  Jordan eating salmon!! YUMMY!!

Month update

Wow it has been so long since i last blogged! Holy cow!  Alright some updates:

1. outlaws have been informed that I will not be sending pictures and if the kids want to be in contact with them when they get older that will be fine…other than that right now i am not comfortable with it.
2. next week is the last week of camp THANK HEAVENS
3. I have had walking pneumonia…I am better now, but i hate being sick
4. I have lost 21 lbs!! OMG
5. I cried today
6. It is time for summer to end although i am not  ready for fall season to start
7. I am working on a cool xmas project for my family
8. My mom is the only one who knows i am doing this and it is killing me, I want to tell my dad!!
9. This project is for my dad, my aunts and my grandmother
10. Jordan is away at camp!  How cool is that?
11. I want a new job
12. I saw a pretty interesting guy, Matt Monarch, talk about Raw food diet.  A lot of things to think about
13. So much to think about, how food make you really feel. and are we all really eating food anymore?
14. AGH so much to think about!  thank heavens there is Heather to sort all this out!!
15. Get to go pick up Jordan
16. Kids go back to school!!

Okay well i want to find time for my blog!! and i will! So many other things to talk about!! I am trying very hard to look towards the positives, like camp is almost over! phew!! then I am sailing on a 12 meter again! YEAH!!  This xmas project is AWESOME!!

Superman is to Kryponite as I am to my “outlaws”

Ok ok I know i talked about this in my last post….. i talked about my “outlaws” but i have to tell you this subject brings me to my knees.  I do wish there was some sort of guide or rule book or hell someone else who has dealt with this kinda of stuff. Now i know there are others out there but it is not a subject that comes up often.

Well a little back story, I have sole custody of my boys and my ex is not allowed to have any contact with us and if he would like to he has to have testing done to prove he is not a threat to the children.  Now his parents have seen my boys a grand total of 5 times in their 10 years on this earth.  They were never nice to me, writing letters to me telling me what an awful person i was.  Then to have my “husband” at the time defend them and take their side.  Now he married me not his parents!  But whatever, the bottom line in it all, they KNEW he had a problem before he married me and started having children.

So i feel bad they do not know how wonderful my kids are.  They are growing up to be great kids, they are smart, funny, and beautiful.  I am not doing so bad and who would not want to brag about their wonderful kids?  And guess what, it has nothing to do with them  or their son have done for me or the boys.  I really feel it is a privilege to be a parent or a grandparent, it is not a right. The have not earned the right to be their grandparents.  They did not protect them before they came to the earth what makes me think they will protect them now?

I feel as though my boys do not need such negititivy in their lives, or such mean spirited people.  I have not allow contact with them.  I am sure with this age of computers i will not be able to keep it away for ever.  They sent me an email yesterday asking in not a very nice way to send them pictures of their grandsons.   I just do not know what to do? i want to do what is right and what is best for the boys…….but i have to wonder am i doing the right thing by not allowing contact? should i share pictures with them? should i share stories? will that lead them to want to see them? is it opening pandora’s box?  oh god this kills me.

A week goes by so fast!

Phew this week passed so quickly!  Gym, sailing through a squall, camp inspector coming to camp.  Then getting sick.  YUCK!!

Gym was good.  I am starting to notice clothes fit different, my dad noticed, he said why do you keep pulling up your pants? ’cause they are to big!!  how cool is that?  I have lost 16 lbs and inches of my body!  it is cool!  It is hard work as well!  I like the way it makes me feel. and i am feeling better.

Sailing through the squall, holy shit! tallen and i were getting ready for the start, i said to him, i am having a hard time seeing the start.  We were getting heavier wind and then as the starting gun goes off, the wind changes directions 180 degrees and picks up to 20 plus knots!  YIKES, four boats drop out and tallen and i pull ourselves together cross the start line a little late but finish the race.  It was heavy wind, we got banged around a little, but all in all we had a great time.

Friday i could tell i was getting sick but went to the gym anyway to see if i could sweat it out.  THat is after the camp inspector came.  We passed.  I came home and went straight to bed. Wayne called on his way home from practice, to see what was going on.  He offered help, it was so nice!  thanks!

They boys were tired they watch tv,i picked up some chinese food for them and i crawled back into bed until noon the next day.  phew!

Went shopping for Jordan’s big camp he is off to in a couple of weeks.  Picked up granny at the airport, hung with mom and dad then made my way home.

To put a damper on the weekend, the “outlaws” emailed me asking me to send pictures “of their grandsons”  I am torn. I do not know what to do about this….what the right thing to do…they were so mean to me.  I can count the times they have seen my boys on one hand.  but as a proud mother i want to share my boys and show the world what great kids they are! UGH i just do not know what to do…..I wish there was a rule book or guidelines to follow in this case… share your thoughts.

Food Friday: Apple avocado Salad with Tangerine dressing

So I have to tell you I have been concentrating on eating better and exercising.  I see a wonderful health counselor.  I feel as though she understands me and is helping me to make life changes.  Not necessarily a “diet” but a healthier lifestyle.  She is awesome!

As i said i see a personal trainer! I LOVE him.  I think I would have given up going to the gym with out him.  Funny story, when i first went, i said to him, “Look, I know I am a princess, I tell people what to do, I am the boss at work and as much as I do not like to admit it, I like it. So I am not sure how this is ever going to work”  Well the first couple of sessions, I was very unsure of what we were doing.  And he finally said to me, ” I do not take no for an answer” UGH.  But you know what?  He is awesome!  He keeps me in line, encourages me to continue, shows me that I am stronger than i think, he believes in me as well.  When we first met, he told me he thinks i should be working out “cardio” 6 days a week! Holy shit, i believed he was on crack.  I was going from NO EXERCISE to 6 days a week? Are you kidding me?  Well I am up to four days a week minimum now.  I hate to admit it, but I kinda like going.  It is time for me, and only me.  I feel as though i have more energy! I love that!  Plus I have lost 15lbs! PHEW! who knew!??

Well I figured I would share an awesome recipe that i found and changed to be more what i like! Try it and let me know what you think! This is awesome!!

Apple Avocado Salad with Tangerine Dressing

• 1 (10 ounce) package baby greens
• 1/2 cup chopped pecans
• 1/3 cup crumbled blue cheese
• 2 teaspoons lemon zest
• 1 apple – peeled, cored and sliced
• 1 avocado – peeled, pitted and diced
• 4 mandarin oranges, juiced
• 1/2 lemon, juiced
• 1/2 teaspoon lemon zest
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• salt to taste

DIRECTIONS

1. In a large bowl, toss together the baby greens, red onion, walnuts, blue cheese, and lemon zest. Mix in the apple and avocado just before serving.
2. In a container with a lid, mix the mandarin orange juice, lemon juice, lemon zest, garlic, olive oil, and salt. Drizzle over the salad as desired.

Well enjoy the 4th!  Big plans! Parties to go to!  Good times!  I promise to post pictures of my brother on the billboard!

“Do you have a squeegee to help push the water out?”

Yesterday was like no other day i have had.  what happened? the day starts with the alarm going off at 6am….ugh drag my butt out of bed.  check weather report, it says rain rain rain, thunderstorms, and more rain.  But really? no rain, nothing on radar…hummm, okay well kids up, off to orthodontist, OMG twins are going to need to have impressions and xrays, to the tune of $250 each. ouch! this is not going to be fun! I hate the dentist…..anyway off to camp.  It is like prying barnacles off the bottom of a boat to get them out of the van.

Kids reluctantly go off to camp and that mother’s guilt kicks in. OMG what a horrible parent i am for forcing my kids to go to camp. I question why i had not found a way to find something they would have liked to do….like sailing. the heart strings were pulled, still a little tired, a little overwhelmed by the fact i am going to have to pay $500 for the dentist to tell me the twins will need braces! but  I trudge off to camp. A bit frustrated and in need of a friendly face! Thank god for Amanda, that is all i have to say….

They have a plan, sailing! OMG have they seen the weather report? Did they read what NOAA had to say? SEVERE WEATHER.  Okay, well go for it, not sure they would have listened to me even if i said no.

I left for the gym, and let me tell you I really like going to see a personal trainer! He is awesome, he does not take my crap.  It is good.  I will have to write more about that later…anyway, leave gym and buckets of rain are coming down. HOLY SHIT.  Get to seaport, the water level is so high, not a dry bone in the place.  Lunch goes on, and i explain they need a rainy day plan for all the kids.  Lunch was so loud. I was still grumpy. I get a voice mail from someone on the seaport grounds explaining, no one is answering her calls.  Did I have anyone that could help or did i have a squeegee to help push the water out of her room.

HMMMMM, feeling like i needed to go investigate as she was not answering her phone.  I took a couple of sailing assistants, walked through water that was up my thighs to cross the “road”.  I was so wet already it really did not matter.  Found out there was a leak in the classroom.  So we walked over with a driveway broom and a mop. How bad could it be?

IT WAS BAD!! Water was hemraging out of this building.  It was pouring out and there was SO MUCH WATER!  I have never ever seen so much water. The facilities people were so unorganized. They had no direction, and i do not do well with that. I felt the need to do SOMETHING and a squeegee was NOT GOING TO DO A THING!! The water was not only coming through the wall but it was coming in through the door!  I had Sailing Assistants that wanted to help and did! They did what ever i said and we rocked!  After the water slowed down and sandbags were put down. We picked up everything that was on the floor.  and felt the clean up was now their problem I knew i had boats sinking.

Walk back after feeling as though the a dam was broken into one of our buildings to find my awesome staff hauling all 42 dyers out of the water, first capsizing it as it had so much water in it no one would have been able to lift them.  We helped with the last few. Bailed out the launches that were sinking.

I then noticed there were marks left out on the water….i figured lets go get them. Yup, hopped into the bailed out launch, pull out and get across the channel to find the gas tanks were taken out because they were weighing down the boats during the storm. OMG, Evan came out to us with a tank and hose. But it was the WRONG HOSE.  Got a tow in.  Started to take all the sails off the dyers.

Washed 42 Dyer sails. Completely whipped just like everyone else!  I was proud of the staff.  They all did a wonderful job but next time when NOAA says SEVERE WEATHER, no sailing please.

Yup just another day on the job!

It must start with me if it is to get better

I always hear, life is like a roller coaster.  But someone said, yes it is like a roller coaster but it is the only ride we get!  how right they are…makes you think….

Okay life has been a bit crazy, that is no secret.  I get it, I have been hitting the bottom and I have been digging as it was not low enough.  I think i had an outer body experience a couple of weeks ago.  I had cried everyday on my way to work, and then at night thinking i just cannot go back.  I found myself, reaching for comfort items that were not helping anyone, my kids, my job, my friendships and so on but me especially.  I could see i needed help.  I  had gone through a whole bottle of rum and i really do not drink anymore, ask anyone.  nothing was making me happy.  It seemed as though passion was sucked out of me and I hurt.

I realized no one was going to reach into my black hole and rescue me.  I had to save myself.  It was like i was back on that floor on Oberlin Street, after I had kicked my ex husband out, paralyzed, this time not in fear but in self pity.

So step one, get a kitten.  It would love me unconditionally, alls i have to do is feed it and water it and it will love me. It will not fight or yell at me.  They say having a pet will help your soul.  Okay, check that off!  The kitten has arrived, Lily.

Just getting the kitten did not help.  I was still crying.  Now what?  I know, i need to go to the gym and eat better.  I have such an urge to fight, why not at the gym.  I have been eating food that does not make me feel good.  I need help doing this as i have trying on my own forever and honestly seems like it is a fail.

So help is what i looked for.  I had a nutritionist, she was nice, but by the book, FOOD PYRAMID, ugh.  But I don’t like pasta, bread gives me a stomach and milk, YUCK!  So that was good, she helped me see that drinking so much Crystal lite ice tea was not so good and now I really only drink water.

So a couple of things happened, Becca, was going to the gym to see a trainer and would come home and rave about her experience.  I wanted to feel that high too.  So I went, talked with the owner, he does not have an ounce of fat on him, lets just say he is ripped!  I laid it out on the line to him, I told him I needed help.  I was nervous, I did very little exercise, was pretty much a “princess” and pulled the girl card as needed.  I also told him that I actually am the boss at work and was not sure how this would work, someone telling me what to do.  Mike, the trainer, saw this as a challenge i think.  He really does not take no for an answer, and he seems to know when the weights are to light!  I have found that high, coming home from the gym.  I even have homework i need to do every night.  Mike thinks i should be doing cardio everyday! I think he is smoking crack, I said obtainable goals.  Three or four days a week!  Two with him!

Then, when going to my favorite juice bar…..wait the Only juice bar in the area…..I was talking with the owner, talking to her about foods, and nutritionists and so on.  She recommended, Heather!  Heather is a Health Counselor, helping me understand food better, what foods work and SUPPORT!  Someone who is not dwelling on the food pyramid, but focusing on me as the individual.  We have meet twice, it has been great. It seems as though someone understands what i am saying and will help.

Everyday seems to have its own challenges.  I do nto seem to cry everyday, I am trying to look forward to the positives, going to the gym, talking with Heather.  I want to enjoy life and everyone around me.  I need to be a good example for my boys.  I want to find what is missing.  I am the only one who will fix it.  I know that.  I am ready and I am arming myself with the support I need. I know it may not be easy, and may fall again, but I hope this time I am pointing in the right direction.  (oh and I have lost 8lbs!!)

Feeling a little tense!

Kinda how i feel right now…I am trying to work on more positive ways of dealing with these internal and external stress.  I think my expectations of myself and my world are to high sometimes? I do not know.  I really think i need to refocus and start from within.  I am working on it!

So this is not the job it was last year…

Yup, not the same job i had last year or the year before… hum is anyones job really the same it was last year?  Not only work wise, but life wise.

Last year my job at work was not the same, do i dare say it was easier? Last year my job as a mom was different, easier? nah…

I know things change, life happens, but i swear sometimes i have these moments of “holy shit how did i get here?” sorta like a quantum leap back into my life, while someone else was playing.  Like looking through the fridge and thinking who bought this?

I know putting things into perspective is key.  I know that i was not living the high life with maids, house cleaner ever day, fly off to my yacht, and so on, to find myself filing for banrupcy.  Everyday money is a struggle but i am not losing my house.  things could be worse.

Ok how about Jon and Kate, from TLC. I knwo that has been the talk on TV the past weeks or so.  Yup i watched last night season premier…..BUT, omg the pain Kate is in, how jon is feeling. you can feel it. and if you have ever been in their shoes you will know that is the worst place to be in.  Then to be in the public eye for it all. I do hope they reach out for some help.  If not for them but for their kids.

okay so this year is not like last year.  the grass is always greener on the other side. sure i sometimes feel this year SUCKS, but really I have been through worse.  But holy shit!here is a quote i found….

“As we sail through life, dont avoid rough water, sail on because calm waters wont make a skillfull sailor”